Last night I was laying there, wishing it would go away.  I honestly don’t understand how people live with that feeling every day.  I became scared that as I age, it will get worse.  Then I realized that I was laying there, accepting that I was anxious.

When I took The Basic (a personal growth seminar that I highly recommend), something magical changed in me.  It’s so weird because there was no section on not accepting illness but, I came out a healthier person.  My seasonal allergies aren’t so bad, they get bad if I say “I’m so itchy!!” and focus on them.  When I don’t accept them, they go away.  I wake up a bit sneezy but then it’s over.  I’ve been drug free since the course, I don’t need it.  I also used to often feel ill, just in general.  I’m not like that anymore.  It wasn’t even a conscious change, my subconscious or perhaps my super-conscious made a shift.  We did learn a bit about accessing those areas.  If I think about it, ya I probably feel a bit yucky, but that’s only because I’m thinking about it.  When I accept it, then I’m laying on the couch, hating my life because I often feel so sick.  Haven’t done that in months.  I’m a healthy person that’s only mildly affected by allergies, if I choose to be that way.  How odd.

I was hoping for my consciousness to shift even more.  I was hoping this would be the key to me finally bashing down my walls that stop me from being spectacular.  I very much identified those walls, I know exactly what stops me (OK now I am sneezing cuz I was thinking about allergies).  I don’t trust myself.  At all.  My word to myself is useless because I don’t trust it.

Self preservation, I assume.  I mean, nothing was suited for me as a child.  I needed to run around the school between every lesson and perhaps sit on a yoga ball all class when I was in school.  Instead I felt like I was bursting from the inside.  I couldn’t focus, I had so much energy and I had to keep it inside.  I felt like I was going to explode.  I obviously wasn’t a model student and, no, I don’t have a special teacher that changed things for me.  I just annoyed all of them, I got in trouble, I just could not behave like other children.  I could not focus on my work.  I could not sit and listen to something I wasn’t interested in and learn it. This ruined my self-esteem.  I saw everyone around me making it look like it was so easy.

I would get these massive bouts of motivation.  My brain is built so that my dreams get big, I can’t see anything in the middle.  If something is to happen it needs to be big and it needs to be fast.  Well I rarely finished any of it, I couldn’t focus, I easily lost interest, I saw something shiny.

Seeing as though I was in a pattern of letting myself down every stinking time I got motivated (which used to be all the time), I stopped getting motivated, I stopped believing in any dream because what was the point?  I’d never get there.  I don’t have it in me to give it my all, I don’t have it in me to not lose interest.

So now I’m near 30 and I don’t make myself promises.  I don’t listen to that voice in my head that wants me to go for it, that voice is a liar.   That’s how I feel.

I realize, now, that what I really needed was massive sensory work, a psychologist, and a totally different way of being taught.  If it wasn’t for the best teacher in the world, my step-father, who was the only person in the world that could explain math in Leah language…well…I wouldn’t have finished high school.  So I guess there was that ONE teacher, but he had to because he had to live with me haha.

We grow up hearing all these things about ourselves.  Mine were “you’re lazy”, “you’re immature”, “you never follow through”, “you never listen”, “you talk too much”, “you’re annoying”, “you’re so messy”, “you’re impulsive”, “you’re irresponsible”.  When we hear these things, well we make them true.  I know as a child  there wasn’t so much I could do about it.  As an adult I’ve calmed down, my sensory needs are so much more under control, these things aren’t the real me, I can move on.

In learning to trust myself I’ve began to acknowledge all the times I do follow through with a promise to myself.  I make little promises, like I tell myself that no matter how crazy it makes me, I’m going to drive in the slow lane ALL the way there and I make myself do it, because I’m practicing making promises to myself.  Even if they’re dumb. Then I write them all down in this book so I can see that I CAN trust myself! 

I’m worth trusting.  I’m an incredibly trustworthy person to everyone else I know.  I will never lie to you (unless it’s one of those little white self-preservation lies that we all make…see I even have to be honest about that), I will never ever ever ever tell your secrets.  I am a locked safe and nothing ever passes these lips.  I am so honest in that I can’t even fudge outward feelings, what you see is what you get with me.  Everyone else is worthy of me being trustworthy, I should be also.

Holy crap I rabbit trailed.

I think this anxiousness comes from the shift I am making.  I am making a change in my life.  I am taking over and trying to tear down these walls.  But, as I’ve done with my allergies and my pretend feelings of illness (I was seriously just picking out a small feeling and making it a big one) I will not accept this anxiety.  I’m not going to be that person that lives with this every day.  This anxiety is below me, it can be my motivation to push forward but it has no negative power over me, I control it.

So much more on what I’ve discovered through The Basic…it will have to wait.

I called my husband while he was at work and calmly notified him that I will be going to meet a dog that day, no commitment, just going to meet her and to see.  I remember the first time I saw her, she was this short little fat thing that FOOLED me into thinking she was a small dog because of her 3 inch legs.  Angela told me about her situation, the poor girl, used as a puppy factory in the back yard on someone’s home in Surrey BC.  She obviously had lived outside because when Angela picked her up, she was covered in her own excrement and all of her nails were so long that they curled under.  But Cleo had the sweetest disposition, she was so happy to see me, she had the most beautiful face I had ever seen. 

I’d always wanted a basset hound, how can a person handle those long, floppy ears and the sagging skin?  Plus, she snuggled!!!  I was easily sold!  Then I had to sell my husband.  I didn’t blink though, I knew she was supposed to be ours and I signed some papers and took her home for an overnight trial at my house.  My husband wasn’t sure but I think he felt the pull too.  The next morning I was snuggling her on the couch and crying, I just couldn’t imagine my life without her and I was worried Bernt wasn’t on board.  She was perfect because I knew bassets sleep most of the day.  Cesar Milan always talks about getting a dog that matches your energy level.  She was tired and saggy from having babies, just like me.  She was a calm presence in the middle of our autism madness.  Brent said yes and she became ours.  She took her place on the couch and never left, Cleo was home.

There was something incredibly redemptive about taking in an unhealthy, scared, neglected dog and giving it true love for the very first time.  Taking her to the dog park, she’s still the only dog that will go greet every single person and dog.  I watched as she slowly came out of her shell, she started to have more spunk, more confidence.  She lost weight ( total 15 pounds now) and after getting her on a good food, she stopped throwing up every day.

I could tell that kids had tormented her.  When my kids had cars or balls or balloons out she would jump on the couch and hide behind me.  She was very unsure of them sometimes and would growl a tiny bit.  I just did what Cesar said to do and she got over it really fast.  Now every morning Silas wakes up and heads downstairs to the couch to cuddle her.  She’s calmed him down so many times.  She will cuddle him for as long as he needs it.  She will pretty much let them do anything to her.  She is the receiver of awkward child hugs on a regular basis.  They’re her kids, though, and she will tolerate them no matter what.  It’s funny when they’re wet, she’s there to lick them dry…if we let her.

She’s sleeping soundly on the floor behind me.  I’m her person and I must be followed around the house at all times.  I love being a dog’s person.  She thinks she’s a lap dog and spends some of her daily 20 hours of sleep on top of me…because she fits and all…

Cleo’s gone on to help me rescue two more dogs through the same rescue I got her from.  They were on death row at Devore shelter in San Bernadino in CA.  We bring them all the way to BC to give them a new life.  She makes them feel at home, loved and comforted.  She even takes them out to pee and teaches them to walk on a leash!!  Her and I plan on rescuing more.  It feels so good to do it.

Cleo is living proof that you can get a gorgeous, healthy, purebred dog that’s amazing even though they’ve been through so much.  They are sentient beings who, really, just want someone to love them.  Once they are safe and healthy, they will give you that love back, times ten.  Sometimes I just look at her and think about how far she has come, what she’s been through and where she’s been.  There are so many evil people in this world and not all dogs make it to loving homes.  I’m just so glad that the suffering has ended for her.  We have many years of happy memories ahead of us

I’m all anxiety ridden right now.  I hate lady time.  Men don’t get it.  I wonder how rational they would be if they had this many hormones coursing through their veins, and the feeling like there’s  soggy loaf of bread in their stomach…oh and the cramps…THE CRAMPS. 

Crying child coming up the stairs.

When will they realize that this ALWAYS happens when they play rough?

Where was I?  Oh yes…bleeding.

Can we just get shipped away to a nice hotel with red wine that flows from the taps and walls made out of chocolate?  We need it every month.  We really do.  A place where we can wear baggy clothes all day and watch feel good movies and cry into our Nutella sandwiches.  We’d have our own beds and get to sleep in as late as we want to.  The only whining we would hear is our own and we would do it, A LOT!  Oh yes and the room service man would be very handsome and built and he would wear a loincloth.  A small one.

I’m sure all of us women could make this happen.  We could all petition government and take shifts when we start PMSing.  Who’d want to say no to an army of angry, bloated women? No one.  We should do it.

Ok I’m going to go lay down and watch Ellen and think about making supper and how much I don’t want to do it.  Then I’m going to go raid the cupboards for some scraps of chocolate…even baking chocolate works in a pinch…cocoa and sugar and butter mixed together??  Something…

**UPDATE** instead I went outside and got some sun and chatted with some lovely ladies and I feel much better.

Aside from the nauseating Jack Johnson music, that totally made me want a baby hummingbird.  It almost made me LIKE the Jack Johnson hit, almost.  Usually his music more just makes me wanna cut myself.  Maybe it’s because I listened to the album on loop for hours at a time playing Puzzle Pirates whilst pregnant with Silas.  I was addicted to that game…DONT HIT “PLAY NOW” if you go to the link.  My mouth is absolutely watering just seeing the main page.  I’m like 6.5 years clean from that game…I can be strong.

Anyway, that obviously was a dark time for me.

Moving along.

I did Zumba last night.  Sometimes I feel like swearing at my teacher, but she’s so damn cute and she belts the songs out at the top of her lungs WHILE doing Zumba and she still sounds good.  I realize that’s the only way to get my thighs to look like hers and for my ass to look that good in tiny velour short shorts…so I just do what she says.

I’m finally getting to know the moves to some songs more so I’m more able to kind of look around at everyone else in the gym as I’m gyrating my hips and moving around in a circle.  Last night I noticed someone new.  This little pregnant woman who’s gyrating also….better than I am actually, less sweaty and everything.  I pretended she was faking it.  She was probably some crazy person who wore a pregnant suit to make everyone feel bad about themselves because it makes her feel better inside….or something….

That’s what made me feel better at least.

Because seriously, if I was six months pregnant I would have to wear a diaper and have two strong men on either side of me, helping me put my whale-like body into motion.  And then I would go home and cry into a big bowl of ice cream.  Reason #2834576457845 to never get pregnant again.  Anyway, I digress.

A few weeks back, we went in a different room, one with mirrors.  That shouldn’t be allowed.  Ever.  As I’m dancing around feeling like one sexy beeyatch, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

Yup.

OK fine…time to fold the frickin laundry.  Although the pile is such that the clean stuff has kind of mingled with the dirty stuff and, it probably all needs washed again #worldsworsthousewife.

Just thought I'd start off with a photo of my mom holding me after I sprung forth from her loins. It's my favourite photo.

I’m inside on a hot hot day, I’m alone without kids, my house is a mess, but I’m blogging.  Just for you.  Ya you.

I'm going to remind the brat that he actually said these things! Gunna make him sign the bottom.

I just found out a few minutes ago that my business idea that has stewed in my brains for like two years, well it has been approved for a very special loan program.  How terrifying is THAT?  Ideas are so nice and comfortable in my brains.  Putting them to work is a whole different thing.  Looks like I’m going to have to start actually WORKING.  I’m going to be in front of this computer a lot!  You all stay tuned because my amazing idea will make you rather excited!

Woot.

I had a very relaxing weekend.  My husband had to be gone Mother’s Day morning so he let me sleep in and do nothing on Saturday and then once he got home Sunday, he proceeded to continue to wait one me hand and foot.  Woot.  Flowers and a steak dinner made by him.  He rocked it.  It was very nice and relaxing and I was very impressed with his cooking!  I should make him do that more…now that I’m going to be a working woman and all…..

Mother’s day is always one of those days where I think your children feel there’s a difference to you.  They can sense your expectations are

"mommy it's to scare away the robbers from stealing our food." Mmmmmkay

different so they do CRAAAZZZYYYY things.  Like my neighbours toddler woke up for two hours in the night…I think he knew she would be sleeping in and wanted some time.  My kids woke me up at 6:30, Silas’ nose was gushing blood.  Then I tried to go back to bed but it was rather useless as Silas was tormenting his brother all morning.  I got up, saw that Isaac had been made into a canvas by Silas…with permanent marker no less, Silas whined for hours, he told me he didn’t love me and that he hates mothers day, I was PMSing AND there was no coffee in the house.  Thank goodness for green tea and my couch…I needed them both.

yum yum pigs bum

Like I said, though, Brentos made up for it.  He’s a good man.  I rather love him.  I’ll keep him for now.  See isn’t he easy on the eyes?

Isaac’s preschool puts on a fabulous Mother’s Day celebration.  It was absolutely adorable.  Our children escorted us in one by one and we all sat down.  Then they sang us some mommy love songs which Isaac belted out, completely red-faced.  That’s my boy.  Then they rubbed our feet down with lotion…it was more like Isaac rubbing lotion into one small area of my shins but whatever…they were looking a bit ashy there anyway.

After my freshly shaved legs stopped stinging from dollar store lotion we played an adorable game.  They had asked our children 4 questions about us and they wrote down their answers.  Then all of us moms were given a chalk board and we answered the questions too.  We had to see if our answers matched.  Here they are.

What does your Mommy do while you are at school?  Isaac: Go to Auntie Jennies  Mine: shopping (although I was tempted to write “absolutely nothing”, because it’s kind of the truth.)

How old is your Mommy? Isaac: 15 (good boy) Mine: 29

What’s your Mommy’s favourite food? Isaac: fruits & Veggies (hah!!) Mine: PIZZA!

Where does your Mom get her coffee Tim Hortons or Starbucks?  Both: Starbucks!!  Sorry Canada…I just can’t raise them THAT Canadian if the coffee will continue to be THAT disgusting.

They had a marvelous tea set out for us but we had to go pick up Silas.  I chugged my tea and packed up the goodies and we went on our way.

Funny thing is, I was rather happy to go.  The most hilariously highschool thing is happening between parents on the playground and…well…I’m rather caught in the middle.  Without meaning to be…at all.

So there’s one man (lets call him Niceolddad…he’d be so mad if he read that I called him old…lol) who’s always bringing his daughter to school there.  The girl’s mom (lets call her Badmom) is one of those crrraaazzzziiieeess who might knife you in your sleep if you looked at her funny.  She’s also a complete deadbeat mom and rarely ever sees her daughter.  Badmom has it out for Niceolddad in a bad way, she’s also friends with another mom (lets call her busybodyface) in the preschool who, seems normal, but obviously isn’t.  You see…Busybodyface got it in her head that Niceolddad and I were spending some “time” together.  By “time” I mean she thought we were bumping uglies while the kids were in preschool.  This made Badmom bonkers and she began to torture Niceolddad about it…just little things like kicking his door down…and stuff…

Of course, I’ve never even seen the man beyond the property line of the school and I don’t even know his number…I still sometimes forget his name.  But, according to Busybodyface, this wild affair has gone on for some time.

So you can imagine the awkwardness when Badmom actually, for once, showed up at school today.  My girlfriends and I cringed and, well, Busybodyface and Badmom both looked over at me and then shared an ever-so-highschool glance with eachother and a snickery smile.  Then, of course, Badmom and I were seated right next to each other the whole time.  It was refreshingly awkward.  I mean, she’s sitting there thinking “OMG this is the woman he’s been sleeping with this whole time…damn her damn her damn her” and I’m sitting there wondering if she has a knife in her purse or if she intends on following me home and making a skin suit out of my body.

Of course, again, we were seated by each other at tea and that made me thankful that I had to go.  Very thankful.  How do you hold a conversation with a person like that?  “Hi, so how’s anger management?”.  No way.  See ya later.

Of course I texted my husband about the situation...unfortunately he accidentally responded to his work mate and not me...she also happens to be his brothers Mother In Law. Awkward day to you too, my love.

You know how to make me feel incredibly loved my baby.

Blogging once was my daily joy.  I did it every day at the exact same time and I had readers and followers and people who laughed and cried with me.  It’s funny.  You should see how my ratings shot down the day after I found out and blogged about the fact that I was just told my son has autism.

That hurt my feelings.

I don’t like that about me.  I’m so easily shot down.  I give up so easily.  Something I want to fix.

I once was this fresh new mommy with new possibilities, a baby in my belly.  I was funny and positive and people liked that about my blog I think.

Anyway…I’ve been struggling with my blog identity.  I keep kind of keep on blogging.  There’s been ups and downs with it.  Now it feels like there are so many established bloggers, why would anyone want to read me too??

There’s also the fact that I’ve been a mommy blogger this whole time.  Being “in” with the mommy bloggers is like trying to get in with the popular girls at school.  Something I never tried to do because, well, the very idea of working on something so someone will finally notice and accept you…it makes me a bit sick to my tummy.  I don’t want the mommy blogger identity anymore but I don’t want to let go of my Informal Matriarch identity because, well, I like that name and people know it!

I feel like I’m on the brink of awesomeness lately.  I’ve recently turned 29 and I’ve told myself I do not want to go into my 30′s feeling depressed, fat and pathetic.  It’s time for Leah to grow up for once.  Perhaps keep her house clean and, most of all, start keeping her promises to herself.  I feel like I am in transition and this NEEDS to be blogged.

I’m about to get some of my identity back.  Come September this fresh new mommy will have TWO school aged children and a day to fill up.  Will it be school?  A job?  Stay at home mom?  I dunno.  School is looking pretty right now though…a masters degree??  Hmmmmmm

So I think I want this blog to become about me, a mother, and my transformation.  Becoming all that I can be.  Discovering myself young.  Not allowing myself to finally come out of my shell when I am middle-aged.  I don’t want to find myself and my inner joy at the age of 40.  I’ve been depressed since I was 7….you do the math.

I’ve already started on this too.  I took a course called The Basic.  It was amazing.  I learned a lot about myself.  More than I have ever done before in therapy…not to discount therapy…I’m pretty sure I want to be a therapist one day.  But it taught me a lot about myself.  I can name my demons now and I can also easily recognize ones I didn’t know I had.  I’m a more present mother, I actually dress nicely and put makeup on and do my hair every day again.  I can read myself better than ever and I am more inspired to trust myself.  I have no faith or trust in myself.  The course did so much more.  It made me want to give my all every day and when I did start giving my all…I realized I probably have some health issues going on lol…because come 2:00 I’m ready for bed.  That’s another story…involving me going on a special diet and I’m dreading it….

Anyway.  Here’s to me blogging more.  I like blogging…I like people reading and commenting and if you like reading, please please please leave a comment…here.  You have no idea how special it makes a blogger feel.

THIS is the chamber we ordered!!

We are really really excited to see if it helps him.  He is going through a really good period right now but we all know that kids on the spectrum have us on a roller coaster ride.  It’s so nice when the ride is easier for a while though.  Hopefully this will lessen the aggression once our ride takes a turn.

I’m also pretty stoked to see how it effects me and my energy and my ADD.  It’s really supposed to help so perhaps this will make me a better mommy in the long run too.  Sometimes I’m zombie mommy and I hate it.  I have some other friends that I want to use it, it seems like I already have a waiting list.  My friend, who’s a chiropractor, offered to house it in an office she will be opening in Aldergrove.  We probably will keep it there eventually, not sure who’s going to run the thing though lol, we’ll work something out .

I’m so overwhelmed with the generosity of people when it came to this cause.  People were so on board with it.  I thought they all thought I was totally nuts.  But there’s proper double blind, peer reviewed, multi centre studies done on these and how the help children with autism improve.  The results seem promising, especially for a boy who had very very very low oxygen at birth.

Feels good to accomplish something like this.  I’ve never raised money like this before.  I’m proud of us

I’ll for sure post photos and updates once it arrives.  I can’t wait to get him in there!!!

So last night I figured I’d get on this recipe bandwagon and blog another made up on the fly recipe.  Read the link to the soup on why and how I love being adventurous in the kitchen.  Onto the FOOD.

So yesterday was rainy and awful and cold and blucky.  Perfect day for soup.

Here’s the recipe…it’s always always always up to you how much you want to use.

3 slices bacon (chopped)

1 onion chopped

3 cloves garlic

a bunch of mushrooms

bunch of celery leaves (I didn’t use celery celery because the leaves have loads of flavour and no one puts celery on their burger!)

2 carrots cut in half (for flavour.  Again…no one puts carrots on their burger)

1 lb ground beef

pinch of salt at every step

bullion, water or stock

some Braggs Soy Seasoning

(I didn’t have worchestershire sauce or bay leaves but I would use them if I did)

a cup or so of macaroni

1 chopped tomato

chopped parsley

1/4 cup cubed cheese

Start by browning up the bacon.  I buy mine from a local butcher and I’ve been to the farm where the piggies are raised I never recommend buying meat from a grocery store.  I’m lucky to live around a LOT of farms.

You wanna make sure the bacon is nice and brown to get all of that flavour out of it.  While it’s browning…get on your trusty onion goggles to ensure a tear-free experience.

chop the onions, garlic, mushrooms, celery and cut a few carrots in half.

Remove the bacon and set aside.  Add in the ingredients you just chopped and then add a bit of salt so they sweat faster.  They should pick up all the little bits of brown bacon goodness on the bottom of the pot.  That’s called de-glazing.  You learned a new cooking term!!  Aren’t I handy??

Once all that stuff is nice and gleaming and a bit soft, add in your ground beef and cook it up till it’s nice and brown and lovely.  Make sure the heat isn’t too high.  You don’t wanna burn that garlic!!  It’s burning point is a lot lower than everything else.

This is when you add in your broth.  I used a thing of chicken broth cuz that’s all I had…then I added water and some Better Than Bullion.  About this much…

Then you add in half of the bacon (for the flavour) and heat to boil, turn the heat down and simmer away.  I was in a rush so I only simmered for 10 minutes before I put in the macaroni.  Actually my husband put in the macaroni…I was in the shower.

Cook until the macaroni is to your liking.  I added that in there because it needed some starch and you can’t very well cook a hamburger bun in to soup…silly people.  I like my noodles nice and squishy in soup.  Maybe that comes from all my unfortunate years of eating campbells soups…yuck.

Once everything is all wonderful and yummy, taste the soup to make sure the seasoning is to your liking.  It’s a good idea to season at every step…it brings out the flavours better.

To serve the soup remove carrots, pour a bowl, top with chunks of cheddar, crunchy bacon, fresh tomatoes and some parsley to add the freshness that you would get in a hamburger.

Enjoy!!

yummy melty cheese

Even boys who don't eat soup will eat this soup!! With an ice cube.

For dessert (I don’t usually make dessert) I made some self frosting Nutella cupcakes.  Nutella is peanut free and it’s delicious…we eat it like crazy here.  The cupcakes were a bit dry but the tops with the nutella swirled in with the cake…those were delicious.  It’s more of a pound cake, which it has to be to keep the nutella on top..hence the bit of dryness…just dunk it in some rum and you’re good to go ha ha.  It was still yummy.  Of course I added extra vanilla.

yum yum pigs bum!!

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