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Getting Stronger

Ever since I lost Serenity I’ve been on this health journey.  I just knew I couldn’t go back to my old lifestyle with this much pain inside me.  I would go insane.  I began working out, walking, running, swimming…pretty much whatever I felt like.  It really helped.  The more pain I feel inside, the more I feel like I need to work out.  I’m not going to let my daughter’s life and death ruin me.  I don’t think that’s fair to her or my living family.  It needed to fuel my fire to become something better than what I was.  In honour of her and for the sake of my loved ones.

I am completely addicted to my morning walks.  I walk in the forest and if you live on the West Coast of BC, you know how gorgeous and magical the forests here are.  I feel like I can’t be upset in there, it restores me.  I feel grounded amongst nature.  Of course plain old walking isn’t enough for this 30 year old body.  It used to be.  I once walked my way back into xs clothes after having a baby – I was smaller after than I was before I got pregnant!  Oh to have THAT metabolism again.  So I started training with weights at the gym, then at home because I hate the gym.

The pounds didn’t come off at all at first.  I’m pretty sure because I was really sedentary when I was pregnant with Serenity and I wasn’t eating much.  My body was in starvation mode and also gaining all this new muscle.

New muscle is fun.  Going from not even being able to lower myself into position to do a push up to being able to do a few full ones.  Or not being able to do a full sit up and now I can.  I couldn’t hold plank for 30 seconds and started being able to hold it for 2 minutes (pre workout not post!).  New muscle is fun and it happens fast and it’s making me feel REALLY badass.

Weight did start to fall off but it’s been the slowest going ever.  I found that if I cut out the starch at dinner that it comes off faster but it’s been months and I haven’t gone down terribly much.  I’m just saying it’s all this new muscle because I keep having to buy smaller pairs of jeans.  All in all, I’m pretty sure I’m down about 20 lbs since being on Dr Oz last year (I was pretty scared to weigh myself then though).  Pretty sure that was my heaviest ever…and of course at my heaviest ever I decide to go on national television in a bra.  Lovely.

Weight is starting to not matter to me.  Strength is.  Mental health REALLY is.  Seeing results is.  I only still step on it because it still feels good to see the lbs smaller and I would like to get that out of my head.  I’ll never be as strong as I want to be and also hit my initial goal weight.  Aint no 5’7″ buff chicks be weighing 130 lbs I don’t think.  I want to be STTRRRONNNNGGGGGGGGGGG.

Like GRRRRRRRRR strong.  Like “yikes that chick looks a bit crazy” strong.  For a while at least.

I’ve been taking progress photos of myself which I won’t show you unless one day I have an after photo of me with a 6 pack to show you.  They do change and I do look smaller, my back boobs aren’t so big…I love it when my back boobs shrink.  Of course my real boobs shrank like 4 inches and my butt has stayed the exact same size….but it looks different.

So I’m going to a crazy awesome bootcamp.  It’s unlike any bootcamp I’ve ever seen.  We’re doing all sorts of things.  I work out until I feel like puking my guts out.  It’s the kind of work out I need to hit my goals but it’s also the kind of workout I need to feel as badass as I like to feel.  I like to hurt and sweat and flip giant tires and squat holding lots of weight.  I LOVE slamming medicine balls on the floor as hard as I can.  As much as it all hurts and sucks, it’s addicting and I need it more and more and more.

Brent is on the bandwagon too.  He’s quit smoking and of course when he goes to bootcamp he comes home a pant size smaller.  It’s annoying but I guess it’s my fault for not having balls that make all that testosterone.  And we can all thank God for that I think.  Let’s just take a moment and thank God that I don’t have actual testicles.

Anyway, it’s been a fun adventure.  I’m so sore today that I’m not exactly sure if I can bend over, if I can then I may not be able to make it back up.  It feels awesome to get this sore because it means I’m getting stronger and healthier.

I’m really happy I’ve had whatever I have in me to cope with my loss this way.  The pain never ceases or lessens but I feel like it helps me cope with it.  Looking healthier than I did a year ago feels pretty freaking amazing.

I’d say there’s a difference!!

One Response to Getting Stronger

  1. I was just thinking of you when I wrote something and wanted to come by and see how you’re doing. Congrats on your fitness progress and your guy’s nonsmoking! I quit smoking years ago and it was hard–wish I never started it, though. Hope you get grrr crazy-strong like you want to be. 🙂 You look beautiful in both photos. Sending you happy thoughts and peaceful wishes. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!
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