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I’ll have a new brain please…and a side of sanity…

After a rough morning I wondered weather or not I should write what happened here or just journal it.  This isn’t the easiest thing to write but this blog is about being authentic and about saying things that most people are to scared or embarrassed to say so people don’t feel alone.

It’s been a rough morning.  I could feel things coming to a head yesterday at church.  Just so overwhelmed about life.  So upset that I just feel like I keep getting dumped on and that I’m just not capable of keeping everything together even when I get a lifeline thrown at me.

I’ve been in a state of self loathing for quite some time.  Obviously the autism news set me off.  Those who have been with me these past two years know that I’ve been thrown a lot of curve balls, some little, some very big.  So sometimes I feel as though the universe needed a place to crap, so it chose me.

So this morning, as I took a look at the money situation and tried to deal with a screaming Silas it just all fell apart.  I lost it and I lost it good.  I used to be pretty harmful to myself in my moments of losing it but over the years I’ve been able to maintain control of that urge to hurt myself.  It’s just like something switches in my brain and I just can’t cope.  I’m pretty sure it’s not normal but for someone who’s lead the kind of life I have (which I don’t talk about here…but I might one day)…perhaps it’s quite normal.  I did the only thing I could think to do.  I buried my face in my pillow and screamed my face off.  Yes, uncomfortable, yes ugly but this is reality today.

Some days I’m not sure if I have one thing left in me.  I’m a broken person, I always have been.  Most people that are close to me have noticed that I don’t really do phone calls much anymore.  I just have nothing left to give anyone right now.  Perhaps this head space is an irrational one, yes I should go back to therapy…it’s still my reality.  This is the nitty gritty on how I feel.

I’m not one of those inspiring parents of a child with special needs.  The inspiring ones are the ones who somehow seem to cope through having WAY worse than this, children who are dying or severely disabled.  Those people are warriors.  I’d die…I’d crawl into a small hole and never come out.  I can hardly hold it together with this.  But there is the autism, the peanut allergy, the asthma and Ikey’s eye problem.  All those “that wont happen to me”‘s are happening.  Perhaps in a mild way, but perhaps I just can’t handle even one more mild thing.  Sometimes I wonder how can this not be my limit?  What else is coming at me??

Brent saved me this morning.  We had a good, long talk.  One solid thing in my life is my husband.  We’re so so so in love and he’s so so so commited to me.  He’s great.  He calmed me down.

Anyway, this isn’t for pity or attention.  It’s just to be real.  I hope that someone out there perhaps feels less alone in their own life.  Because I don’t care what people know about me, that’s just how I am.  Don’t worry about me though, I’ve made it this far.

11 Responses to I’ll have a new brain please…and a side of sanity…

  1. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

  2. dude
    take a deep breath and have a seat.
    Did you hit your kids? Did you scream at your kids till you voice was gone? Do you break all the dishes in your kitchen? Did you injure yourself physically?
    Are you planning on leaving your family because things are hard?
    um, I’m guessing no on all of those. So…
    You’re normal. I’m right there with you on the absolute suck factor in life right now but I would worry about you if you didn’t react.
    I’m a horrible lurker over here – I read every post – and you got me today. You ARE an inspiring parent, you ARE capable and there is NOT one thing wrong with keeping most of what you have to give available for your immediate family.
    You had a shit day. The best thing about those days is that they rarely, if ever, happen back-to-back. Tomorrow will be better. So the universe shit on you today, tomorrow the shit pile will be dry and you’ll have something to stand on to raise you up.

    *hugs*

  3. well…I kinda broke the spatula…and maybe a wine glass…but both were accidents 🙂 thanks for coming out of lurky land 🙂 I’m already feeling much better.

  4. We all lose it sometimes- I know I feel like my address must be the only place in the USA that crap gets dumped on- then alas I realize there is plenty to go around and others feel it too! I know the feeling- last Thursday my cat was killed by neighborhood dogs, and I have been so upset ever since. I asked my boyfriend if we are already in Hell- he said be careful what you ask for 🙂 I can’t imagine Hell being worse than Earth on somedays…. but I imagine it must be pretty darn shitty!
    I like you am hanging in there but there are days that i feel like I can’t take anything else! Hang in there- at least you are not in this boat alone!

  5. i love you darling. i had myself a horrible weekend as well – though different, i can relate. it’s good to lose it sometime i think, helps us appreciate the times we are able to keep it all under wraps.

    again, i love you, you are as chickenbetty said, an inspiration and you are capable. tomorrow will be another day.

    talk soon xo

  6. Love you.

  7. I so admire you for sharing that very difficult part of your life with us…hope you feel just abit better for it. You are in my thoughts and prayers every day and I just hopr tomorrow will be better. I love you lots..love Mom R.

  8. You are in our prayers also, and we can be good listeners when we come up your way about Feb. 5th and 13th.

  9. I think an inspiring parent of a child with autism is one who is honest.

    I had a shit day today too. Thanks for sharing, I DO feel less alone in it.

  10. Leah…Grace is for you too.

    It isn’t just a word is it a wonderful place….a place that me as a mother of small children – keeps me sane. We all make mistakes, or just get to a point that we can not handle the load on our shoulders and lose it. Stop expecting yourself to be perfect. Stop comparing yourself to other people who you thinking are “inspiring” parents. I would bet all the marbles in the bag that they also had many “scream into pillows” kinda days. We all have!!!

    Let yourself be sad, angry, let yourself grieve! Be broken, we all are, it’s okay. There is peace and healing and a closeness to God in the brokenness.
    You’re in my prayers Chickie….it has taken me many years to work through A LOT of crap, and I have a long way to go….but one thing I wish for you…..Be gentle with yourself!!! Stop thinking you have to have it all worked out, the journey is long, Hon, full of little babysteps.
    I pray for Love, Grace and Hope in everyone of those steps!! I am grateful you have a steady and loving husband, that helps so much. Thanks for your honesty!!!
    Love you Denise

  11. hi Leah. Have come around to check in on you, and want to give you some bouquets for your honesty. I like that you see your blog that way, and that you take risks with trusting us, your readers. I heard the expression “dying of a thousand little cuts” a few years ago, and thought that it perfectly coined what it feels like to have too many “mild” problems hit you on the side of the head. With a screaming kid tha tyou are supposed to know what to do with.

    So, love bubbles to you, doll.
    You are a very strong, determined person.

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