You Might Be A Jackass If…….

This is a public service announcement.  Like always, I’m here to help.  Sometimes I wonder if people who make jackass moves are just actually nice people who don’t know any better.  Unfortunately, in passing, all we see is that one jackass move and that nice, kind, person is engrained in our minds as a jackass.  I’m sure I’ve been unknowingly etched in someone’s mind as one, and you might be doing the same.  As I said, I’m here to help.

So, without further ado: you might be a jackass if…..

1. You don’t accelerate to full freeway speed by the end of the on ramp.  That’s dangerous, yo.
2. You are texting or talking on the phone when paying for goods at the store.  The person serving you isn’t a robot slave.
3. You go slower than the speed limit when driving anywhere.  You’re not being extra safe, you’re being extra jackassy and the road rage people are going to start driving dangerously.  No, you’re not actually in charge of their emotions but you should really play it on the safe side and go the speed limit (most of us would appreciate you going a little above).  I’ve actually seen the police pull people over for going under!!
4. You leave your grocery cart in the middle of the aisle or in a place where you’re blocking people.  If you insist, then don’t be alarmed if you get a throat punch.
5. You park your car really close to the line or over the line.  You may have a big truck but that doesn’t make you special.  What makes a big truck owner special is when they know how to park their big truck properly, otherwise you’re just seem like a jackass with a big truck.  If you insist on parking like a jackass then do it on the outskirts of the parking lot where people aren’t parking anyway.  If you’re in any other vehicle…please learn how to not park like a jackass or you’ll find a note on your windshield from me that says “please learn how to not park like a jackass”.
6. You’re in a long line at Starbucks and you get to the front and THEN take the time to decide what you want.
7. You take my order at the drive through and I say NO CHEESE on my kid’s burger and you still put cheese on it.  I want to stick my melting down child on you, his claws are sharp.  (disclaimer, he is not a brat, he just has autism and cheese makes him gag and he doesn’t handle disappointment well)
8. You drive through a cross walk when someone is waiting.
9. You send your coughing, snotting child to school & infect the entire class with their ameobas.
10. You park in the handicap parking spot and you’re not handicapped.  You must realize that there’s people out there that need the spot.  There’s also people out there that will park behind your car to block you in and wait for you to come out so they can yell at you.  So you’d better be on the safe side and park in a normal spot like a person who’s not a jackass.
11. You glare at someone for parking in a handicapped parking spot because they don’t look handicapped.  Some disabilities aren’t visible.
12. You glare at a parent who has a child who’s melting down in the grocery store.
13. You smoke near the entrance of a restaurant.  I don’t care about the three meter rule, you stink from three meters away too.  It’s the worst when you just finish a delicious meal and you go outside and smell cigarettes.  It’s a figurative rape of the nostrils.
14. You wear loads of perfume/cologne.  You might think you smell fabulous but you don’t need to make the whole place smell “fabulous”.  You’re not an air freshener, you’re a person.  Also, a lot of people (like me) are sensitive to smells and you give us all a headache and asthma attacks.  A little dab will do.
15. You discuss all your fabulous plans that require a lot of money to someone who’s struggling with their finances.
16. You rub a pregnant momma’s belly without asking.
17. You drive slow in the HOV lane.  If you’re in the HOV lane that means you want to go fast, even going the speed limit is a jackass move if people are constantly going around you.  Drive in the slow lane then.
18. You turn on to a road and traffic is coming and then you don’t accelerate to the speed limit before people reach you.  If you can’t do that….then wait for cars to pass by.  Otherwise, you’re a jackass.
19. Your dog poops in a public place and you do not pick it up.  I don’t care if you need to use your hands or go home to get a bag…clean it up!
20. You don’t wear pit stick.  You may think you don’t smell….but you probably smell.  No one wants to smell that.  Slap some on just to be safe.

Now it’s your turn!  Finish this sentence:  You might be a jackass if……