Today I’m Excited.

It’s funny, ever since Silas was born we kinda poked fun at him.  He just seemed different and we came up with nicknames for him like “special boy”.  Which I know can be offensive but..he was just different.  Sometimes as he’d be sitting there spinning something I’d call him my little autistic boy.

I had SO many conversations with Jill and Leanne.  Wondering weather or not Silas had autism.  I can still hear Jill’s voice saying to Silas “make eye contact with me!!”.  I remember Silas staring at my ceiling fan from a few weeks old.

We’d always make an excuse as to why he didn’t have autism.  Because he pretends and he snuggles.  But we’d always watch him and think “hmmmmmm”.

I’m glad I feel like I have nothing to blame.  No it wasn’t the MMR, it wasn’t.  Not saying it’s not for other ppl.  His signs were there before.  I can’t blame his poor diet or chemicals I’ve used.  He had a wicked diet.  Still does.  I feel like I did everything right.  Like if I hadn’t then he’d be much worse off.  PHEWF!!  I’m glad I don’t have that hanging over my head.

To be perfectly honest, mental illness runs rampant in my family.  It just does.  Depression, ADHD, OCD, amongst other things.  Can’t do anything about genes.  Or whatever it was.

But Silas has always had us wondering.  There was a big elephant in the room named autism and we were always half wondering about it, half joking about it, half scared about it, half in denial about it.  That’s a lot of halves ha ha.

But it’s out in the open now and I’m feeling positive.

Like I said before.  I’m not a big “everything happens for a reason” kind of person.  I’m just not.  God doesn’t have something great in store for everyone.  Kids with autism are born into crappy, unloving families all of the time.  ALL THE TIME.

But I think, how parts of Brent and I line up perfectly with having this child together.  We’re both musical which is something that calms Silas and also something he is obviously exceedingly talented at.  Also, Silas is going to be a different type of thinker I think.  He’s going to be unique.  Something that Brent and I both value.  I’ve always been “different” an outside of the box thinker.  Right brained.  I love love love love love uniqueness in people.   We both do.  I think that’s going to help us embrace Silas instead of trying to get him into a mold or try and make him normal.  I don’t want NORMAL for my kids.  I want themselves.  I want to embrace Silas’ unique qualities and give him tools to help him cope with his sensitive side.  He doesn’t need to be fixed, he just needs to be embraced.

I always went through life knowing I wasn’t the same as everyone.  I remember feeling like a freak a lot of the time.  I knew something was VERY different and now I know what that was.  I can be able to feel for Silas when he’s feeling like that.

Today I am excited.  I’m excited to live in a rich environment where my kids with both thrive.  I’m excited to grow as a person from this.  I’m excited for a lot of things.  I’m excited to know there’s LOADS of help coming my way.

I love my little Silas, he rocks my world.  Little Ikey is going to have a neat childhood hey?

One thing I forgot to mention about what the dr said.  He told me to think back to Silas’ first birthday video and what that looked like.  A typical child’s birthday video would show a child engaged with the crowd, playing with his new toys, eating cake, having a blast.  That’s Ikey’s video which I’ve shown on here.  Now Silas’ birthday video is very typical for autism.  He wasn’t engaged with people, he poked at his cake, he was mad and really uninterested in his new toys.  He loved it when we sung happy birthday but that was it.  He was downright miserable the whole time.

Gosh what a cute kid hey?? What haunting photos in a way.  I miss that apartment a lot.

Anyway, so, today is an excited day.  I think I have a plan, I’m just going to read like crazy until he’s gone through more assessments.  I guess they could eventually tell me he doesn’t have autism because a team completes the diagnosis but the dr. was incredibly certain and didn’t tell me once that he “thinks” Silas was autism.  He just told me very matter of fact that Silas has autism.  In a kind way of course.

Once he’s further assessed I’ll start him on the gluten cassien free diet (no milk no gluten) and hopefully he’ll do well on that like some others have.  Not all kids thrive on that.  I do and I don’t want it to work.  It’s just a pain in the ass and more expensive.  I believe in diet a lot though so I’ll do it, because I know how bid of a difference it makes with having ADD.

Anyway, today is a positive day.  I’m so overwhelmed with all the support.  Ikey wont sleep, it’s stressing me out.  I should go.