Not Sure

OOOO I’m annoyed…Ikey just deleted the beginning of this post!!  GRRR I’ll try again.  undo didn’t work BOOOO.  Just the first paragraph…so I’ll um…try and remember it…so annoying when you write from your heart and it gets deleted and then GRRRR.  K…rewriting first paragraph

I dunno where I started…k…to the point then.  No clue what the point was though.  Something about not trying hard with this blog…I never try.  It’s just verbal vomit that spews forth from my brain onto the keyboard.  I’ve been extra unispired lately even.  I know I could go from a good blogger to a great blogger if I actually tried at it and gave it my gusto.  But…at the moment I am without gusto.  Just a handy spellchecker that makes me not look like a total tool.  At any rate…I’m taking a bloggy break…time to reasses the situation…perhaps design a new site…perhaps something.  Don’t worry, we aren’t breaking up…just that dreaded “break” that makes you wonder if I just wanted to cheat on you or something.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately.  I’m realizing some things about myself or perhaps just admitting them for the first time.  I’m finding that I have a lot of faith in my talents but I have zero faith in being able to accomplish anything.  I’ve taught myself to not try because…well…nevermind lets not go there.

I dunno what’s stopping me.  Perhaps I’m lazy or just scared but I need to muster up some courage and take some chances in my life.  I need to start writing music again…I let a few negative comments get me down a few years ago at a show I did at my old Bible college and I’ve lost all confidence in myself.  I need to find that again…perhaps I need encouragement to find it again as well.

I’m too scared of the unknown sometimes.  That’s why I’m a half-assed photographer…I just am scared.  It’s dumb I know but I’ve lived my whole life feeling like I wasn’t good enough.  I need to realize my goodness and be ok with my imperfections as well.  I’m too easily intimidated by “experts” and I need to just believe in me.  I need to let negativity roll of my shoulders more.  I rely too much on compliments and when I don’t get them then well…I feel like crap.

With this blog, well, if I already have so many of you readers with hardly trying then what can I do when I really try?  Perhaps daily blogging isn’t what I should be doing.  Maybe I need to work on it differently or something.  I don’t know.  If you guys think my completely boring life is interesting then I know I can write well…if I really tried?? hmmmm.  All I know is I’m being a lame blogger right now and I need to figure some stuff out.  I’ve lost loads of readers lately and it’s just dumbness.  I censor too much of what I really wanna say…maybe this blog needs to be for what I really want to say and then a side blog for family that doesn’t need to know the uncensored version. Because really, I’m human…I do stupid stuff and why hide my stupidty?  I’d rather celebrate my human-ness and not censor it in fear of being judged.  The blog started off as that but I lost it I think. It’s been so good at keeping family close though.

Anyway…more verbal puke-age from my mouth.  Stuff to ponder I guess.  I just want more out of my life and honestly…more money.  I need to start believing in The Leah and stop being scared of all you people out there.  Hard to change though…so hard to change. I’m a total entrepenuer at heart…I’m also a total scaredy cat.  A scaredy cat that’s recently become inspired by someone…so there.  No I’ll never tell who.

Till next time…which I’m sure wont be long…because I love verbal vomit.