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Order

Most of you know this about me.  But I have a very very very hard time getting the motivation to clean.  It’s this weird mental block that would only be described as poorly firing neurons in my brain.  Because it’s one of those brick walls I hit all the time.

Now that I’m feeling all these feelings.  Now that I’m back to having outrageous emotions that aren’t being numbed by drugs….I need to get things going with my life.  I NEED to take charge.

A lot of people say “who cares if you’re house isn’t clean?”.  Part of me doesn’t think it’s so trivial at all.  When you’re living in mayhem you act like it, you don’t LIVE when you can’t use your space for what it is for.  Living in disorder creates MORE disorder.  I will not cook a healthy meal if my kitchen is dirty.  I will not put a exercise  video on if my floor is a mess.

A disorderly world seems like the beginnings of an unhappy world.

And it’s all a cycle.  I’m not healthy because my home isn’t healthy and my home isn’t healthy because I am not healthy.

It’s a problem.

I keep wondering WHEN I will learn from my lessons.  It’s not like I don’t know what I am doing to myself.  I absolutely KNOW that I create a harder life than I need to.  By being “lazy” I am making my life worse.  It is HARDER to live the way I do.

It’s harder to live the way I do.

I don’t have problems living in the moment.  It’s all I do.  What future?  I don’t think much about how my actions will effect the next hour.  Not in every way…but in a lot of ways.

I think that from order, will come some significant change.  I know it’s not what happy means…

I just feel like I need a point to start….I don’t know how to tackle a mountain that’s this big.  It’s monstrous and one path brings you back to where you came from.  You can’t tell which one to start at.

I forgot that this is how it feels to be un-medicated.  I’m kind of going crazy today.  So is Isaac actually….

6 Responses to Order

  1. wow, you took the words right out of my mouth. hm. I say start in the bathroom, for today. at least that’s what I do, but then again my house is chaos, too. sigh. maybe we could swap out like a tag team and help each other.

    • well I sprayed my bathrooms so I have to tackle them. I started with my main living space…floors. Now that my floors are clean I feel ok to bring down the MOUNTAIN of laundry and start folding while I watch TV. Maybe after that’s done the soap will have dissolved the layer of scum in my bathrooms?

  2. I had the benefit of being motivated to sell our house and having people come look at it all the time. But I got in the habit of cleaning up after every meal, even if we were a bit late, and this has made a huge huge huge difference. It takes 10 min or less and can change your life. You know what my kitchen was capable of becoming.

    I believe in you and am so excited to see how you’re going to change the world next. I know you’ve changed my world. Xxoo.

    • ugh…don’t make me cry. I LOVE YOU

      • The more I hear comments like this, the more I think I need to proceed with my Get it Together book. In the meantime, why don’t you try to take something with you every time you go somewhere. For example, take a plate on the coffee table to the kitchen when you go that way, and then take a toy on the floor back to the toy box when you go that way. Things will gradually get better or at least not get worse, and it won’t seem like such an overwhelming job to you. A little here and a little there makes a huge difference in both appearance and attitude.

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