|May 18, 2011||Posted by The Informal Matriarch under family|
Most of you know this about me. But I have a very very very hard time getting the motivation to clean. It’s this weird mental block that would only be described as poorly firing neurons in my brain. Because it’s one of those brick walls I hit all the time.
Now that I’m feeling all these feelings. Now that I’m back to having outrageous emotions that aren’t being numbed by drugs….I need to get things going with my life. I NEED to take charge.
A lot of people say “who cares if you’re house isn’t clean?”. Part of me doesn’t think it’s so trivial at all. When you’re living in mayhem you act like it, you don’t LIVE when you can’t use your space for what it is for. Living in disorder creates MORE disorder. I will not cook a healthy meal if my kitchen is dirty. I will not put a exercise video on if my floor is a mess.
A disorderly world seems like the beginnings of an unhappy world.
And it’s all a cycle. I’m not healthy because my home isn’t healthy and my home isn’t healthy because I am not healthy.
It’s a problem.
I keep wondering WHEN I will learn from my lessons. It’s not like I don’t know what I am doing to myself. I absolutely KNOW that I create a harder life than I need to. By being “lazy” I am making my life worse. It is HARDER to live the way I do.
It’s harder to live the way I do.
I don’t have problems living in the moment. It’s all I do. What future? I don’t think much about how my actions will effect the next hour. Not in every way…but in a lot of ways.
I think that from order, will come some significant change. I know it’s not what happy means…
I just feel like I need a point to start….I don’t know how to tackle a mountain that’s this big. It’s monstrous and one path brings you back to where you came from. You can’t tell which one to start at.
I forgot that this is how it feels to be un-medicated. I’m kind of going crazy today. So is Isaac actually….