I’m Lazy

I’m soooo tired these days.  I’m really realizing how much inactivity begets more inactivity.  If that made any sense at all.  I like my rump a lot.  I like using it a lot for sitting.  When it was skinnier I wasn’t on it so much.  Perhaps that’s how it works.  Your rump gets big when you sit on it a lot so then things are more comfortable.  Perhaps if we never sat, we’d never get fat.  Perhaps that’s the key to being skinny.  Don’t use your rump!  Perhaps I need an uncomfortable couch.  I love my couch.  I do all of my sitting on my couch…unless I’m sitting here.  Perhaps I should at least widen my sitting repratoire.   Anyway, as sad as it is to admit.  I love to sit.Funny thing is, I love not sitting.  I love being outside and doing stuff.  I hate how getting outside to do stuff is like pulling teeth (I’ve never had a good teeth pulling experience….accept when I was drugged once….hmmm perhaps that’s a metaphor….).  I hate how I do stuff that makes me unhappy and I don’t do things that make me super happy.  I need to make myself do happy things instead of sitting things.

I feel like I’m loving myself, I feel that I’m doing myself a favor with over-using my tired rump.  I’m doing something for ME, sit down, relax, have a beer.  But really, relaxing isn’t what makes us happy is it?  Relaxing sucks the life out of us.   Too much relaxation is poison.  I’m not relaxed at all, I’m getting anxiety issues and I’m continuing to be larger than I’ve ever been.  I wish I had some of that over-achiever in me.  I wish I was more of a work-a-holic.  I’m a sit-on-my-rump-a-holic.  I’m lazy, I’ve always been told I’m lazy, I really believe that I’m very very lazy.

Sometimes I think that if I stop telling myself I’m lazy then I wont be lazy anymore.  Perhaps I’d be something new, a better Leah.  Perhaps if I could just stick to something instead of always always always failing at making myself do something I don’t want to do.  I wish I had something of my Grandpa R. in me, he seems to be able to do anything.  Unfavorable tasks are done anyway.  How come I didn’t get THOSE genes?  I just got the lazy genes.

Maybe that’s why I drive myself crazy though, I have the Grandpa R. expectations of myself but then the limitations of the ADD.  Dangit I hate saying that….ADD.  But it’s true though, it limits you as a broken arm does.  There’s so much lack of understanding around it.  Such a stigma attacked to it.  That’s why I hate saying it, because people don’t get it.  It’s hard to imagine and understand.  I guess I do say it so people can understand it a bit.   I even forget that I have it.  I’m always like “why am I like this??? Ohhhh yaaaaaaa….oooops”.

I’m not a big achiever, I’m not a go get-er.  It’s so stinking cookie-cutter ADD that it makes me angry.  Some adults with ADD seem to work harder so they can prove themselves to people.  I don’t really care about people’s opinions enough so I just give in to my tendencies.  A laid-back natured person really shouldn’t have ADD, it’s annoying to say the least.

It’s hard being a grown-up.

And I know I know.  I’m really not that bad off.  I do have a home and happy children and good relationships.  I’m not a homeless person or anything like that.  I really should be grateful.   Blah blah blah.

Anyway, I’m not writing this for pity or whatever.  I’m not looking for advise.  I just needed to vent about myself, writing stuff down helps me work through stuff and seeing that I don’t care what people think enough to TRY and make myself look like the perfect person, I’ll tell you all about.  I’d also like to maybe find someone who actually understands.  Yes ADD sounds like a stupid excuse for things but it’s kind of hard for it not to be.  Especially because when you have ADD, your brain is actually smaller than a typical one.  It’s pretty hard to muster up the brain matter to get the job done.