Silas was just kissed on the cheek by someone who’d had peanut butter this morning and then had brushed their teeth and washed their face. This person was a child so she might not have done a good job but it was hours later, I wasn’t even worried. Nothing awful happened, just a big hive on his cheek right where he was kissed.
This just goes to show how clingy that awful peanut oil really is. I’m mortified once again. I’m soooo scared about going to other houses where people have used peanut butter recently and cleaned up as usual but left behind the peanut oil and then him eating something off the dish or whatever. I’m scared of wash cloths that have gone on to wipe a bunch of plates and counters and utensils. So innocent in every day life, but so awful for my poor baby.
I feel like an awful reaction isn’t avoidable. I hate knowing that I most likely will see Silas at some point having a horrible reaction to peanuts. Having to use the epipen on him. Calling 911. It’s awful to know that peanut oil is everywhere…it can be in any place. So invisible. I know he’ll react again, I know no matter how much I avoid it, it’s still going to happen. I’m just hoping it’s the odd hive here and there. I know my sister’s friend has already used an epipen on her own daughter twice and she’s still young.
Most of the time this peanut allergy thing isn’t on my mind, I’m not constantly worrying about it. I hate the wall of fear that hits me each time something DOES happen. I feel thrown off my feet for a few days, I feel like nothing is safe. Then I put it back into perspective. There’s danger everywhere that I don’t worry about. Everyone can die from walking into traffic, the danger is always there but we do our best to avoid it. We just have one more thing that we need to do our best to avoid in this family.
But I do have an awful time with trusting other people to provide a peanut free space for him. Leaving it in other hands makes me nausiated. Not always, but sometimes. I’m very glad for not always being worried, praise God that I’m not the kind of person that lets herself get overcome with worry on a daily basis. Except for today.
Today I feel like the mother I was when I first found out. My heart is there again like I was before, prostrate on my kitchen floor, crying out. Completely heartbroken for my child.