Self Directed MMA Swimlates Aqua-sise Classes in the Middle of the Lake = Awesome

In keeping with me just simply choosing to be awesome…I’ve been trying to keep regular workouts.  Who doesn’t feel awesome after a workout?  Unless I’m doing Tai Bo….I never feel awesome doing that….I feel like a douche.


Since there is no extension of my gym out here in the boondocks (I’m at my mom’s house…preparing for my sister’s wedding…I should have said that…I just assume the majority of you people are people I already know that already know everything I’m going to say anyway) I’ve been…..compromising?  My gym is now the lake.  I’m kind of in love with lakes.


I drug my oldest sister (emphasis on the “old” and may I point out that I drug her not drugged her…although that might be funny) out to the lake with me for a swim.  She was more thinking a dip where I was more thinking a marathon across the entire lake because that = awesome.  So again…compromise.  And lemme tell ya.  Nothing gets your whole body into a cold lake like swarms of giant zombie mosquitoes.  Like giant vampires crossed with tinnnnnny zombies crossed with….winged…things.

The mosquitoes are really bad this year.

As my sister was sticking to her “dip” and I was going for my swim of the awesome, we kinda met in the middle and out of us simply being goofy, we birthed what can only be the new exercise phenomenon.  Self Directed MMA Swimlates Aqua-sise Classes in the Middle of the Lake.  Hold on a sec I need another beer.

These have already caught on and classes are doubling in size.  First it was my OLDEST sister and her teenager daughter and then Courtenay and my mom came…although my mom gave up, complaining of heartburn.  Wimp.  Tonight the bride herself (who is also older…) and another old sister of mine (can you tell I’m the youngest?) will be joining in the classes.

To begin….you swim out to the middle…warm up.  Then you tread water in a circle, taking turns leading the group in what we call a “motion”.  At the end of the “motion” you say “annnnnnnd float it out” and you dramatically lay on your back and float.

Lemme disclaim something (is that proper usage of the word?), my siblings and I have an unnatural buoyancy in the water, not due to fat proportions but due to the fact that we’re just unnaturally buoyant in the water…or is it natural?  It feels right…

But don’t like take me seriously and go swimming to the middle of the lake…I take no blame if you drown…don’t come after me as a ghost…because that shit freaks me out.

The hardest move thus far is water burpees.  I kind of hate/love/hate/love my oldest sister for coming up with that one but I got her back with this crazy oblique twist that even rocked Courtenay’s self-proclaimed non-existent core.  We continue this whole thing for a full 45 minutes.  I think we mostly burn calories giggling.

We finish by rushing back to the house (to avoid zombie mosquitos) and hopping in the hot tub while drinking alcoholic beverages….calories out-calories IN!  And then we sleep like sweet naked baby Jesus….except I can’t sleep naked anymore cuz I have children.


  1. I can’t imagine lakes without thinking of that lake that Jason from Friday the 13th came out of when he was all rotting and shizzle and OMG now I have to go and breathe into a paper bag ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!?!

    Clearly reading about people exercising is not good for your health.

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