Shit Happens in Clumps

Pardon my french but I’m feeling crappy today, I sometimes swear and this is my blog so if you don’t like it then scroll down a bit and you wont see the potty word.

I think I’ve come to the end of my rope.  It seems like crappy thing after crappy thing has been happening to me amongst high stress situations and I’m feeling like I’m done.  First eviction, then trying to find a house, not knowing where I’m going to be living for a month, the car accident, major family issues, having a baby, post pardom depression, a toddler who forgot what no means, a looming mortgage, moving, living in someone else’s 500 sq ft apartment for a month, an infant who’s decided that nursing sucks, moving again, renovation stress….And now, someone who I thought was a friend, someone I thought I wasn’t close to anymore because of just every day living and being busy, actually has been holding a grudge for a long time.  So now I’m really hurt and really confused.  I’ve invested too much of myself into that relationship and I guess I held on to too much of it over these distant years.  I haven’t slept much and now I’m just typing and crying and shaking and going over things I want to say but feeling like I can’t.  Isaac doesn’t want to nurse again so that makes the sadness worse.

Why do bad things need to happen in clumps?  I feel I function really well under high stress situations.  I’m adaptable, I’m easy going but I do have a boiling point and I think I’ve reached it.  I keep feeling bad because who am I to be sad?  This situation could be 1000 times worse.  People endure SO much worse.  I need to keep smiling and keep counting my blessings.  I guess it’s all relative anyway.  This is relevant to me and this is my hurt, I’m owning it and I’m allowed to feel sad about it.

I don’t know where to go from here.  I feel shut out, like I’m not allowed to say anything to attempt to make the friendship better.  I have a really hard time letting go without closure.  If I let something like this go it just festers.   I’ve given this person too much power I guess.  A best friend from long ago that I held onto for too long.  Thinking my kids would call him uncle, thinking we’d have him and his wife come stay with us sometimes.  Blindly going on in life thinking everything was fine.  I never thought it could end like this.  I really hate hurting like this.

I’m really just wanting someone to put me to sleep until we’re moved into our house.  It seems like that’s marking the point where things will get easier.  I keep thinking that once I’m there I’ll be motivated to exercise, that I’ll suddenly turn into someone who’s not a complete hermit.  That I’ll feel a bit more free and a lot more comfortable.  How come we want to grow up so badly so we can feel free?  How come we don’t realize that once we grow up we’re more bound and chained than we ever were?  Why can’t we erase the people that hurt us and take back all the time we invested in them?

Anyway, sorry, I hope I didn’t depress anyone here.  I’m just really hurting right now.  I’m feeling very stuck with nursing Ike as well.  Too much is going on!!  Time for a hot shower with my little baby.