Aha?

You know those “aha” moments where you figure something out about yourself? I had one of those today.

I was sitting cross-legged on Silas’ floor with Isaac nursing. I was rocking back and forth noticing the burning sensation in the back of my throat. The honeydew melon I had eaten gave me that feeling. I suddenly realized that I don’t think I actually like honeydew melons. Aside from the sore throat it gave me, it doesn’t taste very nice to me either. Then I realized that I don’t allow myself to dislike much food. There’s lots of food that perhaps I don’t like, I just eat it anyway.

Then I realized that a lot of the time, I don’t allow myself to dislike certain things. Like food or people. There’s only a few people out there that I really truly don’t like very much. If a person is ever mean to me, I usually shrug it off and think it was my fault for the occurrence.

I also realized the other day that I (almost) hate living at the coast. I hate hate hate the winters here and I hate the idea of raising my kids in the city. There’s wonderful people here and wonderful money. I feel free and at the same time trapped for letting myself realize how much I dislike this place.

I don’t really know what this means aside from either I’m super easy-going or for some reason I take a little too much trouble to BE very easy going.

I do take a lot of time to dislike myself. There are things I do really enjoy about myself. I feel as though I’m a very well-rounded person. I have lots of life experience, I’m a middle of the road kinda gal. I like that. I don’t like lots of other things about myself. I weigh myself against every one else. I want to be supermom and super-house-wife. I want to be super skinny and super beautiful. I want to have super energy and super duper muscles. Fact is: I’m none of those things and I don’t like myself for it.

I don’t love myself enough to allow that super-Leah to shine through. To love myself would take work. I only have enough drive in me to last a week at the most. That week was gone two weeks ago and I’ve spiraled down-hill ever since. One week of super Leah leads to two weeks of depressed, mentally drained Leah.

I think I think too much. Being a happy adult is hard work 🙁

8 comments

  1. I know what you mean. I’ve been so diligent with the house work, and I just can’t do it this week. I’m really trying to do it one room at a time, but Kitten has a cold, and I don’t feel good, and all those other excuses. ::sigh::

    I wish that I had all that super-stuff like your list too. I get pretty down on myself for not being super, but I try to tell myself that NO ONE is super, and that the people who act like they are, are just ACTING.

  2. You’re right Kait. Everyone IS acting like they’re super. I hate how everyone in this society acts super just to look good and live up to other people’s expectations.

    I really wonder if I’d like myself if I didn’t always compare myself against others…I bet I would.

  3. Recently, I realized that people like me. I’ve spent the better half of my life thinking people don’t. Then one day it just clicked. I don’t allow anyone in. Just my husband and my kids. That was my “aha” moment. If I just let people in they would like me because I’m not too shabby.

    Oh, and honeydew makes my throat hurt too! I thought I was the only one. I hate the taste of it. My grandmother used to make me eat it.

  4. Res-OH-nating over here!
    spend a lot of time not liking self, and comparing. Then recognizing it and disliking that.
    hmmmm…..
    Super sounds appealing to me too. Unattainable, but appealing.

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