We drove to school today in what I can only describe as a torrential downpour, I told the children that the Earth was crying because they didn’t have all the time in the world to play outside anymore and it’ll miss them while they’re in school. They didn’t believe me. Smart kids.
Of course it was more of a metaphor of how I am feeling about summer holidays being over. I’m not nearly as impressed with it as the kids are. Not very long ago I was planning on bringing a little darling to school today to show off to everyone. There were moms that got to. Unfortunately they don’t know why I try to avoid eye contact with their proud faces. They probably think I’m a bitch.
I did get to drive in my other new baby. My new van. It’s nice to drive to school with a muffler on my car and a power steering belt that doesn’t squeal when I go to make sharp turns in the parking lot. That’s nice. Unfortunately “things” don’t bring me much satisfaction. If they did, I don’t think a caravan would get me terribly excited.
I’m feeling very lost right now. I was just supposed to go back to being mommy during these days. I was going to have another little one with me while the boys were in school. Now, I just feel empty and without purpose. I don’t know if I can find fulfillment in being a housewife. I want to bring money into the home but I cannot sacrifice my time with my kids at the same time. I’ve been looking at job postings in the area. Nothing really fits.
Just so you know, don’t get me wrong, I have no judgements for working moms. My mom always worked. It’s just not me.
I actually thought that Serenity’s due date would be the very worst but now faced with these days alone, I’ve met a very unexpected pain. How could I have not anticipated this one?
It just aches and it aches and it aches.
I want summer break to start all over so we can go back on all our adventures.