Here We Go Silas

First off, thanks everyone for all the support. It’s been shocking to see how loving everyone is being towards our family.

SO many thoughts going through my mind today. Wondering what my future looks like. What things am I going to have to do that are completely out of my character?? I know for Silas to thrive I’m going to have to turn into superwoman. I’ll be told my house will have to stay tidier and that everything needs to get organized. I’m going to have to spend countless hours with him, playing, teaching, working on things through play.

I’m ok with it. Yes I’m distraught because I’m human, I’d prefer to keep things the same, to at least hold onto a bit of my selfish nature. But I’m going to do anything and EVERYTHING for my child. Everything.

I’m picturing appointments, loads of one on one time, all toys organized in containers, a clean house, changing his room around to make it work for him, a gluten and cassien free diet, Etc.

Interesting how this all panned out though. Did God put this new job into place for us?? No stress for Brent, medical benefits, no over-time, more money for us. Seems like that happened for a reason and I’m seriously, not big into “everything happens for a reason”. I’ll get into that on my Christian blog one day.

One thing I do believe is that I was trusted enough to be given this boy. I know he’s special. I know he’s going to be alright. He’s not nearly as bad as Jenny McCarthy’s son and her son is rather “typical” now.

Not that I need my kids to be typical by any means. I just want Silas to be HIMSELF. I want Isaac to be HIMSELF. I want them to know who they are. I don’t want Silas’ personality to be hidden behind this…what is it?? Disease?? ooo I don’t like that word.

I’m going back and forth from positive and negative feelings. Autism these days is being seen as a gift. Children with autism that is being treated are wonderful kids I’ve heard. Jill is helping with the positive side. I told her I had bad news and she said “or challenging news?” and she said “congrats” to me because I’m lucky to have a child with such a gift.

I admit to having another reason to despair. Brent and I have been semi “planning” to make another delicious baby for us to chew on, wanting to get pregnant perhaps next august. Will we be able to now? I’m scared to bring another Kid with Autism, peanut allergies and asthma into the world. Perhaps bringing a new baby in will make it harder for Silas to continue to recover. I really want another baby 🙁

A lot of my sadness is coming from my own selfishness. Which, I think, is perfectly fine.

I’ll tell you more about our appointment.

Our doctor is lovely. I asked Yvonne which one she likes best and I he happened to be a specialist for autism so it was perfect. He’s a very warm person. He asked me what I wanted to talk about and I didn’t say the “a” word. I told him Silas’ symptoms like not going through the pointing phase and still not understanding pointing. How Silas spins the wheels on cars and lines up his blocks. Never using a toy for it’s purpose. He finally made me say the “a” word and told me that Silas needs a label to get help.

He began to point out other things in Silas that he saw. Silas didn’t even acknowledge the dr was even there. He said typical kids would be at least checking him out from the corner of their eye and feeling him out. But Silas didn’t look at him nor show that he knew he was in the room. I told him he’s usually really friendly and he said “ya, excessively friendly?? in their personal space?”….yes. Silas spilled out all the lego the dr. had and began to line it all up. I also mentioned that Isaac seems to be passing Silas in some areas already

The dr asked so many questions all of which I had to say yes to. Other than the fact that he’s a snuggler…but he’s an excessive cuddler, needing very close cuddles for sometimes very long periods of time. It’s gone away a bit, it used to be hours of snuggling but it’s going down.

He noticed when Silas asked a for something Silas would say “do you want a cracker?” instead of saying “I want a cracker”. He doesn’t know what you, me, I, he, she, we mean. He just repeats questions I’ve asked him in the past. When I ask him to ask nicely he says “say please” instead of just saying “please”. His language has hardly progressed over the past year. Yes it has moved forward but SO slowly. He is putting a few of his own sentences together but usually is just repeating what he’s heard me say. I thought by three he’d be able to talk SO MUCH MORE. It’s been frustrating for me to see how far behind he is. Like I’ve been doing something wrong.

The dr was very kind. He told me that Silas now has everything available to him that he needs. Infant and child development will make a house call soon and we’ll figure out what therapy he needs. I wanted that from the beginning. If we could get into the system then any therapy would be free to us and we wont have to wait 2 years to get him into it. We’re in baby and I’m stoked about that. I’ll be interested to see what it all entails.

I’m glad Silas’ birthday is coming soon, I have a feeling we’ll be needing specific toys for him amongst other things I’m sure. I almost feel like we should move to a house that’s more open and has a play room that we can make into a therapy room for him. Oh how I wish we had loads of money.

So my Silas, we’re we go.

PS please view Silas as having autism…not as autistic. Doesn’t it sound better?


  1. I agree that “Silas has autism” sounds a lot better than “Silas is autistic.” I really believe that the *way* that we say things matters.

    You’re so good at being HUMAN, and that’s why I like to read your blog. You’re very honest, you don’t pretend to be something you’re not, but you always aspire to improve as a person as well. You’re impressive whether you’re supermom or not (I don’t believe there is such a thing), and I wish you all the best. Silas is one lucky kid to have a mom like you!

  2. uoftmatsa already put it so perfectly: Silas is one lucky kid to have a mom like you! *hugs* I admire your attitude about this and I’m sure you’re feeling overwhelmed and desperate at times too, but all in all you seem to be handling this challenge well.

  3. wow! what a lot of supportive readers!

    i can only imagine what it would be like to be in your shoes? silas and ikey are blessed to have been born to you and brent and vice versa.

    i do know that something that has worked for me in my work and family and life is truly believing that a child is fine just the way they are…i really believe that silas is silas; he is not broken or diseased or wrong; unfortunatly our society is not just fine the way it is. does that mean we ignore his behaviours, nope. we want all of our children to reach their full potential and be able to function in this society, in that respect, silas is typical (does that make sense)? silas is an amazing little boy that you and brent, with some help from god, created…how could he not be the way he was intended to be?! he is amazing as is his brother.

    in a nutshell. when i approach a child it is with the utmost respect for them and the belief that no matter what, they are fine just the way they are; they are worthy and beautiful just the way they are. the behaviours and strengths and changes will come


  4. Wow. I think it’s incredible how you are handling this life changing news. I can’t imagine what you must be going through.

  5. I am so proud of my children – the strength of character, positive attitudes, ability to see Gods’ design for every child, their uniqueness and their ability to pull out a way to be strong and to grow through every turn in their lives. You have all of us as your support system Brent, Leah and Ikey. We all love and adore all of you.


  6. Leah,
    Last night Michael and I went to bed thinking about you guys. I’ve thought about you all day today. I don’t know what to say. I just wanted you to know we’re thinking and praying for your beautiful little family.

  7. This post, was awesome. found myself smiling throughout it. all of this, is most definitely a gift, as you say. and i know you aren’t too big a fan, of the whole saying “everything happens for a reason” but i totally am, and i definitely see perhaps, why this has all occured, going back to your previous posts, and small details that end up making the bigger picture.

    Leah, though it might be challenging at times, I know you will be fine. I know it. You’ve got a ton of love and support, but most of all, your outlook on life, and the wants and needs you expect your children to have, will all carry you through.

    In the most messed up way, I’m really happy for you. I see this, as an opportunity, not a downfall.

  8. Wonderful post. 🙂 A part that touched me was when you said you wanted another baby but now are worried… I would like to share a little thoughts from my family. 🙂

    I always knew I wanted seven children. When I met my {now} hubby, it was with a certainty that I threw myself into this dream. We had two beautiful girls and then got pregnant with our third child. When he was born, there were different things that happened and I felt like something was “off”. It is all very personal, and I haven’t even talked about it on my blog yet… But the main facts is that by the age of 3, he was much better.

    In the meantime, I had gotten pregnant and was very happy to hear that it was a girl. I felt horrible about that thought. It wasn’t our son’s fault that he was a boy *and* he was sickly.

    It was a stressful pregnancy, with other outside factors {hubby’s work laying them all off and going bankrupt} but when she was born, I knew it would be alright. Our next baby was a boy, and I was always worried that something would happen. We ended up having two more, a girl and a boy, and they are all healthy.

    My point, I guess, is that even though we went through some very trying times, and we were worried about having other children in case they were sick like our third child, but we still trusted that things would work out. A baby is an opportunity to unite the best of you and hubby and help you heal.

    As for the allergy and asthma thing. Well, I have a tree nut allergy and though it can be stressful when kids are young, it is simple enough to keep nuts away in your house. And educating your children about their allergies is important also. 🙂

    My hubby had severe asthma, and 5 out of the 7 had asthma. We had so many hospital visits! We were tired of all the drama, and went to see a Homeopath. She treated us, and we also made the decision to change to all antural cleaning products. In the past three years, we have had no asthma-related hospital visits, no more salbutamol, Prednizone, Advair… It has helped a great deal. If you look at alternative methods, it might help. 🙂

    In the end, it is all such a personal choice! I wish you much luck. 🙂

  9. You sound like a loving mom who is ready to meet your kids needs where ever they’re at! Praying God will bless you with His strength, love, peace and joy…

    Have you introduced your boys to sign language? We often borrow “Signing Time” movies from the library for my kids who are 4 and 2 and they enjoy them so much! I think we actually like the “Baby Signing Time” movies even better. They’re really musical (which you mentioned Silas likes) and they teach vocabulary in a hands on way (lol). Sign language is so good for hearing children as it can help increase their communication skills. I don’t know if it would work for Silas or not, but I recommend them because they have great songs and are a ton of fun — anything beyond that would be a huge bonus for you guys!

    Happy Birthday Silas!

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