This morning I woke up, and like most of the last 4 weeks I didn’t think about logging on to the computer. Then it hit me, today is the day. The day that I’ve dreaded and wished for all at the same time.
These past four weeks have been incredible. It took me three weeks to really “awaken” but I was smart to say that I wanted to see who emerged when my face wasn’t stuffed in the computer all the time. The most beautiful thing in emerged. Her name is Leah and she’s been missing for many many years.
The first few days of being off the computer I was a little twitchy. It was a reflex for me to just go to the computer, all the time. I was addicted, I can easily admit that now. I didn’t want to admit it to all of you, but now I can because I feel like I’ve seen the light. I really wasn’t sure what to do with myself. I didn’t know what “people” did with their time, I had forgotten.
The first three weeks were a bit of a blur, but something did start happening to me. I was starting to come out from within myself. It started off really slowly. A few things I noticed here and there. Like my sense of humor came out in full force and my husband began to tell me how much he liked me so much better this way. I liked me so much better this way.
Last week the real awakening happened. For the first time in three years, I felt like Leah. I missed her so much. I began to have energy. I began to enjoy things I used to enjoy. I began to despise sitting on the couch and I REALLY began to enjoy time with my kids. I just wanted to constantly be around them. We play so much now. I’m also a lot more impulsive too which is something I love about me. I’m not bad impulsive, but good impulsive. Like just ok with doing things spur of the moment.
I owe it to a few things. Being off this piece of equipment was a big step for me. I relied on it to take me away from my depressed reality but what it was doing was continuing to slowly suck the life out of me and keep me in a depressed state. The anti-depressants I’ve been on have really shown their true colours. The best way to describe it is that I was flat for so long.
Since finding out about the autism a year ago I hadn’t gotten any highs, I like my highs. I’m an up and down kinda lady and I love love love love love my ups. They aren’t to up, they’re just perfect. I missed them. I began to notice that nothing would make me feel better. I found no satisfaction. I didn’t get good feelings from accomplishing something or from exercise. My body stopped releasing endorphins and I was flat flat flat. Low and flat. The drugs have brought back the release of good chemicals and HOLY CRAPOLY do I love love love them. MMMMMMM the wonderful feeling of serotonin. I’ve always been in tune with my body and I can feel when serotonin rushes in to my blood stream. It feels soooooo good and mmmmm I’m happy to have it back. It’s really come back these past four weeks.
Another thing is that I’ve started to really change the way I eat. I’ve noticed that protein is VERY good for me. I’ve started eating hemp hearts and they’ve totally changed me for the good. The protein and omegas in there are like a wonder drug. I keep a steady flow of hummus in my fridge and I’ve cut WAY back on breads. I’m eating more wraps and that really dense bread that’s just make from whole Rye thingies. It’s really flat and chewy and it’s amazing with some hummus and tomato. Protein is something Dr. Amen recommends for my personality type and he’s right. It curbs my appetite and holy cow I’m energetic. I’m allll about it. My bread cravings are totally gone.
So now what?
Is being on the computer like letting an alcoholic drink again? Should I just steer clear almost completely. I don’t know the answer. I know I’m changed but I also know I’m vulnerable. My highs can easily turn to lows. When I’m depressed I’m irrational and I accept less than the best for myself.
I’m loving feeling free though, and I think my love for this feeling is enough to help me regulate myself. I don’t want to touch this thing when my kids are awake unless it’s to google something quickly. I don’t wanna be on this thing all evening when it’s my alone time with my husband and the hardest of all is me not wasting an entire nap time on this thing every day. There’s too much to do!! How to regulate…?
Anyway, I’m going to sign off. Thanks to everyone who guest blogged!! I loved each and every blog that was written. Some made me laugh my guts out and some made me bawl my eyes out. All were amazing.
I’d also like to encourage anyone who’s on the computer too much to take some time off. I swear to you you’ll only miss it for a few days. The only thing I missed the whole time were my friends that I only get to talk to online. That’s it! I did miss blogging too 🙂