In Awe

I was thinking the other day.  I was thinking about how fantastic my children are.  How they’ve just gotten to be such pleasant well-behaved children (well, they’re still kids and they still get in trouble but they’re not terrors and neither have behavior issues).  I caught myself noting that I was so glad that they are more like their father than they are like me.  I was so worried they would have my childhood depression or be really showing signs of ADHD.  They don’t even have my lack of math skills.  Yay for Brent’s super genes!!

Then I realized something.  They’ve led such blessed lives.  I’m not giving out all the info of what went on in my life before the age of 7.  But when I was Silas’ age my parents had divorced and it was ugly, I was in my second school, my mom was in school full-time as a single parent with three kids living in the home (which was AWESOME of her but still hard for us to get through), my father was in Vancouver General Hospital with a halo screwed into his head – paralyzed from the neck down.  There was a lot more but lets just say – my life had been stressful.  SO SO SO SO SO stressful.  At such a tiny age.

At Silas’ age I was figuring out the best way to take my life.  I wanted to die so badly.

Then I see my kids who have had only stability, only love, only gentleness from their parents.  Yes, they’ve been through a bit.  Isaac didn’t have the easiest start to life with a big brother who not only took a lot of the attention away but also caused him a great deal of pain.  Silas obviously felt the stress the most.  But I guess we somehow dealt with it and got through it and life is calm.

So I decided to give myself a little slack.  Perhaps they DO have my genes.  Perhaps they look exactly what I would have looked like at that age without the stress coming from all different angles.  Perhaps they won’t get depression because trauma has not touched them.

This is so healing.  It’s so beautiful to see.  These two amazing people blossoming before my eyes.  I am a part of them.  Me, in all my brokenness.

I am in awe.