Learning to Trust Myself

I’m not the type of person to feel anxious.  Although, upon testing, I was told my anxiety levels were severe.  I guess I just don’t physically feel it that much but right now I am.  It started three days ago and it’s this anxious feeling that comes from my chest.

Last night I was laying there, wishing it would go away.  I honestly don’t understand how people live with that feeling every day.  I became scared that as I age, it will get worse.  Then I realized that I was laying there, accepting that I was anxious.

When I took The Basic (a personal growth seminar that I highly recommend), something magical changed in me.  It’s so weird because there was no section on not accepting illness but, I came out a healthier person.  My seasonal allergies aren’t so bad, they get bad if I say “I’m so itchy!!” and focus on them.  When I don’t accept them, they go away.  I wake up a bit sneezy but then it’s over.  I’ve been drug free since the course, I don’t need it.  I also used to often feel ill, just in general.  I’m not like that anymore.  It wasn’t even a conscious change, my subconscious or perhaps my super-conscious made a shift.  We did learn a bit about accessing those areas.  If I think about it, ya I probably feel a bit yucky, but that’s only because I’m thinking about it.  When I accept it, then I’m laying on the couch, hating my life because I often feel so sick.  Haven’t done that in months.  I’m a healthy person that’s only mildly affected by allergies, if I choose to be that way.  How odd.

I was hoping for my consciousness to shift even more.  I was hoping this would be the key to me finally bashing down my walls that stop me from being spectacular.  I very much identified those walls, I know exactly what stops me (OK now I am sneezing cuz I was thinking about allergies).  I don’t trust myself.  At all.  My word to myself is useless because I don’t trust it.

Self preservation, I assume.  I mean, nothing was suited for me as a child.  I needed to run around the school between every lesson and perhaps sit on a yoga ball all class when I was in school.  Instead I felt like I was bursting from the inside.  I couldn’t focus, I had so much energy and I had to keep it inside.  I felt like I was going to explode.  I obviously wasn’t a model student and, no, I don’t have a special teacher that changed things for me.  I just annoyed all of them, I got in trouble, I just could not behave like other children.  I could not focus on my work.  I could not sit and listen to something I wasn’t interested in and learn it. This ruined my self-esteem.  I saw everyone around me making it look like it was so easy.

I would get these massive bouts of motivation.  My brain is built so that my dreams get big, I can’t see anything in the middle.  If something is to happen it needs to be big and it needs to be fast.  Well I rarely finished any of it, I couldn’t focus, I easily lost interest, I saw something shiny.

Seeing as though I was in a pattern of letting myself down every stinking time I got motivated (which used to be all the time), I stopped getting motivated, I stopped believing in any dream because what was the point?  I’d never get there.  I don’t have it in me to give it my all, I don’t have it in me to not lose interest.

So now I’m near 30 and I don’t make myself promises.  I don’t listen to that voice in my head that wants me to go for it, that voice is a liar.   That’s how I feel.

I realize, now, that what I really needed was massive sensory work, a psychologist, and a totally different way of being taught.  If it wasn’t for the best teacher in the world, my step-father, who was the only person in the world that could explain math in Leah language…well…I wouldn’t have finished high school.  So I guess there was that ONE teacher, but he had to because he had to live with me haha.

We grow up hearing all these things about ourselves.  Mine were “you’re lazy”, “you’re immature”, “you never follow through”, “you never listen”, “you talk too much”, “you’re annoying”, “you’re so messy”, “you’re impulsive”, “you’re irresponsible”.  When we hear these things, well we make them true.  I know as a child  there wasn’t so much I could do about it.  As an adult I’ve calmed down, my sensory needs are so much more under control, these things aren’t the real me, I can move on.

In learning to trust myself I’ve began to acknowledge all the times I do follow through with a promise to myself.  I make little promises, like I tell myself that no matter how crazy it makes me, I’m going to drive in the slow lane ALL the way there and I make myself do it, because I’m practicing making promises to myself.  Even if they’re dumb. Then I write them all down in this book so I can see that I CAN trust myself! 

I’m worth trusting.  I’m an incredibly trustworthy person to everyone else I know.  I will never lie to you (unless it’s one of those little white self-preservation lies that we all make…see I even have to be honest about that), I will never ever ever ever tell your secrets.  I am a locked safe and nothing ever passes these lips.  I am so honest in that I can’t even fudge outward feelings, what you see is what you get with me.  Everyone else is worthy of me being trustworthy, I should be also.

Holy crap I rabbit trailed.

I think this anxiousness comes from the shift I am making.  I am making a change in my life.  I am taking over and trying to tear down these walls.  But, as I’ve done with my allergies and my pretend feelings of illness (I was seriously just picking out a small feeling and making it a big one) I will not accept this anxiety.  I’m not going to be that person that lives with this every day.  This anxiety is below me, it can be my motivation to push forward but it has no negative power over me, I control it.

So much more on what I’ve discovered through The Basic…it will have to wait.

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