Who taught Silas to kiss obscure things? Was it me? Was I thinking about his lips meeting the muddle puddle today as he bent down to give the beloved thing a kiss? Or the worm that I dug up for him that got a sloppy one as well?
There’s nothing much better than watching your darling toddler walking around in gum boots and slushing about in the snow and puddles with a worm in each hand. Stopping every once in a while to take a tasty bite out of the snow man. Worms, snow, mud puddles: the perfect time for a toddler.
This event was preceded by me, crying my eyes out and cleaning the kitchen to try and make myself feel better. I just can’t find the whatever-i-need within myself to get the kids out that door and into the world beyond our four walls. I always have a reason not to. The windows of time where we could go, between naps and feedings, are very very short. Yet I’m constantly feeling guilty and made to feel guilty about my obvious disorder.
Today, though, I felt like facing those mud puddles and letting Silas get sloppy even though his mud pants are all the way in Manitoba. To not worry if his gloves were on or if he’d get too wet. Without caring if I could hear Ikey wake up from his nap or not, I just dressed him, stuck on those gum boots and we went into my marshy back yard. We actually had a good time. I even successfully ended the adventure with promises of warm muffins. No freaking out!
I also had a great time envisioning the landscaping that I plan to do this summer. Visions of tall sunflowers, an herb garden, tall grasses and a thriving vegtable garden. The kids splashing in the pool and running through the sprinkler. I’d have them outside in the summer more, I made that promise to myself.
I’m always waiting for something to happen to then be able to get my kids out of the house. Summer, the end of naps and nursing, walking by themselves, etc. I do promise myself things will change very soon. It hardly ever does. If anything, I regress into my weird world of thinking that going out is impossible. Farther and farther into the line of thought that the big bad whatever is out there waiting for us. The peanuts are going to get Silas or Ikey will need my attention and Silas will easily slip into traffic. There’s always a reason not to go.
I’ll keep battling this demon in my mind. You all can keep judging me about it and dropping hints. Maybe one day I’ll be able to overcome this and see more fun times in the back yard with worms, snow and mud puddles.
Gosh I write better when I take the time to read a good novel.