My Heart

I’m becoming increasingly aware that this autism is effecting me in a very negative way.  Ya my attitude is great, I see attitude as a choice, no one is slave to their attitudes.

It’s just my heart, my spirit, something.  Something is missing.  I’ve just felt like I’ve been carrying around this weight with me now.  I don’t want to call it a burden because Silas is NOT a burden.  Not at all.  But, it’s kinda the best way to describe how my heart feels.

I was shattered when I found out about Silas’ peanut allergy a year ago.  Completely shattered.  It was awful.  Now I’m not shattered in that way, Silas cannot die from autism (although I’m wondering right now about him coping with his peanut allergy WHILE having autism).  But, I guess it’s just hard.

Every parent wants to give birth to a shiny new baby that grows up to be a doctor (or in my case, a rock star) and gets married and gives us grand babies and everything is shiny and hunky dory.  Everything is “normal” and everyone is ok.

I’ve often thought to myself how I thought I couldn’t handle a child with special needs.  But here I am…lots of needs.  Not the end of the world, but still…not hunky dory.

I do have a sense of peace about it.  A sense that there’s a reason for this which makes me wonder why not ALL kids with special needs are born into a family like ours.

So that’s where my heart’s at.  It’s making my head foggy and impatient but my attitude is still good.  It has to be.


  1. Funny how I can’t even find the words to describe how I’m feeling about this post.
    You are so beautiful. Which probably isn’t the right thing to say, but part of what I’m feeling.
    I love you.

  2. You’ve just spoken for all of us who know what that means because we too live in with a “special needs” child. Well said. Hunky dory is what I always thought was best.

  3. Sometimes we cope because there’s no other choice, and sometimes it’s like there’s a small part of us that keeps the rest of us going. A small part that seems to know the things we’re eventually going to figure out but are too shocked, sad, tired, or what have you to accept yet.

    How lucky he is to have you.

  4. I really feel for you. There’s so much loss even in the good changes in life. I can only imagine the losses that you’re facing now with this new challenge.
    I agree, Silas is blessed to have you as his mom.

  5. I’ve been gone from the blog world for a while, trying to have a calm moment in the midst of it all, now that I’ve come back I’m heartbroken to see Silas was diagnosed autistic. I’m trying to read through your old post and see more of what happened but I just wanted to say I’m thinking of you. HUGS.

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