I promised I would let everyone know once I heard back from pathology regarding the death of my sweet little Jonah. I finally got the call today and I’m not sure how I feel. I don’t think any answer would feel right or better than a different answer. I don’t think one cause of death is any easier than another.
His pathology came back 100% normal and clean. Jonah was a healthy baby. When he came out, his cord was wrapped very very tightly around his neck. More than once I think. I knew that and my midwife did say she was pretty sure that’s why he died but I wasn’t ready to accept that as the answer until I heard back from pathology.
It looks like my darling son got himself in a tangle and couldn’t do anything about it. It sickens me. I can still feel his last movements and now they feel more like a struggle, or the movement that got him tangled. The memory of them is now dark and twisted and the feeling makes me sick to my stomach. I remember texting Brent about them because they felt like his was doing flips inside me. Maybe he was. Maybe that’s when it happened. I didn’t really feel him move again.
Cord accidents leading to stillbirths are really really rare. Some stats say they’re about 1 in 200 but there’s no way of really knowing and there’s nothing you can really do to prevent them. You really wonder why it doesn’t happen more often. Why that cord doesn’t tangle easily. My midwife told me she once caught one happening, they saw on the ultrasound and she had her patient spend a lot of time in a certain position and soon the cord was free. It’s really lucky to catch it though.
I guess I can rest easy knowing it wasn’t anything I did or didn’t do. I can stop beating myself up about getting that tetanus shot the weekend he died or drinking too much coffee that weekend too. I know that there’s nothing wrong with my body or genetics that would cause this to happen. It just happened. It’s just something that happened.
I’m not pregnant again. I hope to be soon. I hope I can keep myself calm. After three losses you start wondering if your body is actually a safe place for a baby. It feels like a dark, scary, hostile environment to me. It’s supposed to be safe. Babies are supposed to be protected in there. I need to keep reminding myself that it was a safe place for Silas and Isaac and anything can happen to anyone. Death happens at all times. Accidents happen. People die. Since I don’t carry on my whole life fearing death of myself, children and husband then I can’t be pregnant that way either. I’m going to have a lot of trouble on those days where I don’t feel many kicks. Even though I heard Jonah’s heartbeat the night he died, I think I will still need a doppler to reassure myself constantly.
I’m still in my pj’s, it’s a beautiful day outside and I’m in hiding although, it’s not making anything feel any better. If this nagging cold would go away I would probably try to do something important. But I am taking the day, trying to steer clear of the bottle of single malt in my freezer….at least until 4. I’ve been crying off and on. I don’t want to discuss it with anyone out loud. Trying to not think that I would be 35 weeks pregnant today complaining of the heat and how uncomfortable I am.
Deep breaths. Glad this is over. Taking the day to mourn and allow this wound to bleed a little. Tomorrow is the first day to move forward, really knowing what happened and to be thankful I was given that knowledge.