On The Brink

Oh blog, the place I adore and yet I ignore all the time.  I’ve missed you.

Blogging once was my daily joy.  I did it every day at the exact same time and I had readers and followers and people who laughed and cried with me.  It’s funny.  You should see how my ratings shot down the day after I found out and blogged about the fact that I was just told my son has autism.

That hurt my feelings.

I don’t like that about me.  I’m so easily shot down.  I give up so easily.  Something I want to fix.

I once was this fresh new mommy with new possibilities, a baby in my belly.  I was funny and positive and people liked that about my blog I think.

Anyway…I’ve been struggling with my blog identity.  I keep kind of keep on blogging.  There’s been ups and downs with it.  Now it feels like there are so many established bloggers, why would anyone want to read me too??

There’s also the fact that I’ve been a mommy blogger this whole time.  Being “in” with the mommy bloggers is like trying to get in with the popular girls at school.  Something I never tried to do because, well, the very idea of working on something so someone will finally notice and accept you…it makes me a bit sick to my tummy.  I don’t want the mommy blogger identity anymore but I don’t want to let go of my Informal Matriarch identity because, well, I like that name and people know it!

I feel like I’m on the brink of awesomeness lately.  I’ve recently turned 29 and I’ve told myself I do not want to go into my 30’s feeling depressed, fat and pathetic.  It’s time for Leah to grow up for once.  Perhaps keep her house clean and, most of all, start keeping her promises to herself.  I feel like I am in transition and this NEEDS to be blogged.

I’m about to get some of my identity back.  Come September this fresh new mommy will have TWO school aged children and a day to fill up.  Will it be school?  A job?  Stay at home mom?  I dunno.  School is looking pretty right now though…a masters degree??  Hmmmmmm

So I think I want this blog to become about me, a mother, and my transformation.  Becoming all that I can be.  Discovering myself young.  Not allowing myself to finally come out of my shell when I am middle-aged.  I don’t want to find myself and my inner joy at the age of 40.  I’ve been depressed since I was 7….you do the math.

I’ve already started on this too.  I took a course called The Basic.  It was amazing.  I learned a lot about myself.  More than I have ever done before in therapy…not to discount therapy…I’m pretty sure I want to be a therapist one day.  But it taught me a lot about myself.  I can name my demons now and I can also easily recognize ones I didn’t know I had.  I’m a more present mother, I actually dress nicely and put makeup on and do my hair every day again.  I can read myself better than ever and I am more inspired to trust myself.  I have no faith or trust in myself.  The course did so much more.  It made me want to give my all every day and when I did start giving my all…I realized I probably have some health issues going on lol…because come 2:00 I’m ready for bed.  That’s another story…involving me going on a special diet and I’m dreading it….

Anyway.  Here’s to me blogging more.  I like blogging…I like people reading and commenting and if you like reading, please please please leave a comment…here.  You have no idea how special it makes a blogger feel.