It’s been a long time since writing about our story. You can find part I and II up top under “Silas’ Story”.
Time went on and Silas’ few words that he had started speaking never turned in to more words. I kept waiting for him to talk to me but it just wasn’t happening.
When his little brother, Isaac, came along, I was astonished at how different he was. Isaac was talking to me, cooing and wiggling and looking at me in the eye. What a different child I thought.
Silas started showing signs of being someone incredibly smart. He first learned all the animal sounds, then he quickly learned his colours, then shapes, then it snowballed from there. He picked up things so quickly, it was so easy to teach him anything.
My mind is really quite blank about the next year. Silas was just going along, not talking, not really doing anything kids his age were. We had found out that he had a peanut allergy and our world was rocked. I was in absolute despair about it. I cried and cried and asked God why. It was awful. My little boy could die from something as simple as a peanut!
I remember being quite the hermit. We had moved in to our first home that we could call our own. Silas had his second birthday in this house and we are still here. Looking back at the blogs I wrote at that time, it’s so obvious he had autism. He just wasn’t talking well. He was echoing everything I said. He was telling strangers that he loved them, spinning things constantly…still.
He would sit in front of our front loading washing machine (he called it a water fan) and have his breakfast while it spinned. I got a lot of laundry done.
I was in the fog of being a mom of two children…two babies practically. I noticed things about Silas that were so off but he would SNUGGLE!! I had my facts wrong. He snuggled me and I thought kids with autism never ever did that.
I was also scared that if I went online and looked it up, I would freak myself out about nothing. Jenny McCarthy had just come out with her story on Oprah about how she “cured” her son’s autism. I understood some of what she was saying but it all didn’t fit. Autism just remained at the back of my mind. My son was definitely delayed, we had definitely different but so was I when I grew up.
Finally, as I was on the phone with my sister Jill, telling her about how many tantrums Silas was having all the time she told me I should go to the doctor to just see if anything is up. She meant something physical but I know there was something else in her voice. It was finally someone I trusted, telling me that they also noticed something different about my son.
On to the computer I went. I typed in “autism symptoms” and as I was reading I burst in to tears. It was time to call the doctor.
I took Silas to my GP very shortly after. Thinking ahead, I brought along his very favourite toy. Something he called his “spinny toy”. I guess it just had a good spin to it and he loved it to pieces.
After examining him and saying nothing seems to be physically wrong, he maintained that he didn’t think Silas had autism. Then I passed Silas his spinny toy and the doctor changed his mind. He didn’t like the way Silas looked at it, something was “off”. Time to go to the pediatrician.
Silas performed great for the pediatrician. Upon going in he dumped out a bunch of lego and started lining them up.
It was a hard conversation with that man. I didn’t want the power of suggestion to have him misdiagnose my son with autism. I told him I saw red flags and I just wasn’t sure what to think. He finally just made me say it “what do you think is going on with your child?”.
“I think he has autism.”
I was right. The man went on to say that he was sure Silas had autism. He handed me a box of tissue and began telling me all of the things he saw in my son after 5 minutes of being around him. Symptoms I didn’t even know about. I didn’t cry, I didn’t need those tissues. I told him I was expecting it. No problem, lets just deal with this.
After filling out NUMEROUS forms I was sent on my way with almost a new person in tow. It didn’t feel like Silas anymore. I kept seeing this new disorder, noticing all the things I didn’t see before.
An old friend of mine works in that building. I’m the kind of person who needs people. I need to talk, I need to share, I need people around me with anything. I went to her office and walked in the door. She looked up to me to say hi and I burst in to tears.
“Silas has autism.”
I don’t know how long I was in that room with her for, or how I managed to get home. I do remember picking up Isaac from Leanne’s house. Her mom was there watching Lucas and was nice enough to watch Isaac too. I cried to her as well. I cried and I cried and I cried. When I got home I laid down on my kitchen floor, face first in to the cold wood and I screamed my face off. I screamed until my throat hurt. I screamed until my tears were dry. Until my head pounded.
I remember my mom telling me about a friend of her’s who lost her daughter in a car accident. She told my mom she would wake up feeling peaceful for a short short moment and then the rush of the pain and reality would come back and stab her. I knew what that felt like now. That was the hardest time of my life.
More to come….