Scars and Scabs.

About 5 years ago I was on my way to getting super duper depressed.  This depression lasted quite a while, I was in agony, my skin was uncomfortable..literally.  I tried drugs but they made it worse.  I would sit in class in College and pinch myself to cover up the pain inside.  I failed almost all of my classes and quit my dream schooling.  I was taking a worship arts course at Columbia Bible College.  I wanted to lead worship.  After the storm was over I was left a changed person.  A girl who once wrote song after song after song, who was fun-loving and full of energy, who was up for anything was gone.  I was left tired and with no energy.  I haven’t written a song since that Christmas.  I haven’t hardly felt that surge of excitement for life since.  I’ve been scarred it’s gone.  I’ve been damaged from it.  Unwillingly changed as a person.

Lately, though, I’ve been getting flashback surges.  Like right now I’m feeling the spice of like that I once felt.   That really good feeling where I can’t get enough of life.  Where I feel like I could be silly or dance around or go mountain climbing or decide to dye my hair purple on a whim.  I don’t know much about this, I wonder if I am scarred for life from that event.  Am I forever going to be a slug or will the spice come back?  I generally and a very happy and fulfilled person.  I just don’t feel the spice so much.  I don’t ever feel like hanging out with people or leaving my shell of a home.

These flashbacks I’ve been feeling have given me hope that this person isn’t actually me.  That I’m waiting to come out some day.  They’ve been appearing more often. Perhaps it’s not a scar and it’s just a scab.  This great feeling I feel inside today makes me feel sooooo good.  I wish I knew the trigger.  I wish I could be promised that I’ll have it again soon.  I don’t know many people who miss themselves but I sure do.

4 comments

  1. You’re not alone. I miss myself. I left uni too during a deep depression and a year and half later I’m still waiting for my old self to return. I’ve changed so much; I was once an ENFJ and now I’m an ENFP. (For Info on Myers Briggs Personality Theory )

    But I’ve discovered very slowly the old self is emerging. I think it will for you too. I believe instead of changing into this different person you’ll just become a better person and more true to yourself. You could try doing things you used to do or that you want to do. Baby steps of course, you know your limit. Do what comes naturally…what your truly desire. *shrugs* That’s my two cents. 🙂

    Love,

    Li

  2. My first severe clinical depression symptoms started when I was 24. y.o. But the last 17 years have been non-stop severe depression, as you know. What any depressed person needs is ‘hope’. I often said that my only hope is on the other side of the grave. But that’s a pretty awesome hope for a Christian.

    In the meantime Leah, jillions of people who have suffered severe depression have found complete healing. Some say they actually improved as a person, and were thankful for that. I know my ability to feel compassion for others has increased 100 fold, it seems. And there have been other positive changes.

    But two days ago, when I was desperately trying not to totally lose it and go over the edge, these positive things meant absolutely nothing. I only wish I could say something to give you ‘hope’ for the complete healing of your scars.

    These four quotes are some of the quotes that have helped me so much. I still can’t read them without shedding some tears.

    …”He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.” ~Aeschylus

    “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” ~Kahlil Gibran

    “You must submit to supreme suffering in order to discover the completion of joy.” John Calvin

    “To suffer woes which hope thinks infinite; to forgive wrongs darker than death or night; to defy power which seems omnipotent; to love, and bear; to hope till hope creates from it’s own wreck the thing it contemplates”. ~Percy Bysshe Shelley

    Praying for you, Dad

  3. Hey you,

    Well, this is another thing that makes me wonder if we are sharing a life at times, haha, you and I are really so alike.

    I really appreciate all that you said in your post, I have been through depression off and on throughout my life aswell, and I deffinitly know what you mean about being an unwillingly changed person.

    I have spent alot of my life looking around and wondering why everyone else was “normal” just wanting to be able to not know that side of life.I also know that feeling of loosing something special like writing, I used to write alot of songs and poetry, and then all of a sudden, the desire was changed.

    However, like you also said, it has made me who I now am.
    I appreciate different things in life then lots of people I know that have never even known depression and I appreciate the joy in my life sooo much!
    I totally know what you mean about “flashbacks”, I get these aswell, split seconds of “oh, ya, that happy fun person is me, yay, she is back!!”
    I used to look around and feel like my spirit was going to burst out of my body, the beauty i saw around me used to blow my mind, and that “happy go lucky girl” was me aswell. But, then change came. At times I do miss myself aswell, I often think that, and I too wonder when “I” will be back fully.
    I am just so incredibly thankful for all the gifts in my life and the intense joy that my family gives me, so amazing. I believe I am a person of intense highs and lows, my hubby would tell you the same, haha, so , I suppose, I just have to enjoy the highs while they are there:) And like you said enjoy the energy aswell, I feel that sluggy feeling too, hahah, ahh a moms life!
    Love ya, and thanks again for the honesty!:)

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