About 5 years ago I was on my way to getting super duper depressed. This depression lasted quite a while, I was in agony, my skin was uncomfortable..literally. I tried drugs but they made it worse. I would sit in class in College and pinch myself to cover up the pain inside. I failed almost all of my classes and quit my dream schooling. I was taking a worship arts course at Columbia Bible College. I wanted to lead worship. After the storm was over I was left a changed person. A girl who once wrote song after song after song, who was fun-loving and full of energy, who was up for anything was gone. I was left tired and with no energy. I haven’t written a song since that Christmas. I haven’t hardly felt that surge of excitement for life since. I’ve been scarred it’s gone. I’ve been damaged from it. Unwillingly changed as a person.
Lately, though, I’ve been getting flashback surges. Like right now I’m feeling the spice of like that I once felt. That really good feeling where I can’t get enough of life. Where I feel like I could be silly or dance around or go mountain climbing or decide to dye my hair purple on a whim. I don’t know much about this, I wonder if I am scarred for life from that event. Am I forever going to be a slug or will the spice come back? I generally and a very happy and fulfilled person. I just don’t feel the spice so much. I don’t ever feel like hanging out with people or leaving my shell of a home.
These flashbacks I’ve been feeling have given me hope that this person isn’t actually me. That I’m waiting to come out some day. They’ve been appearing more often. Perhaps it’s not a scar and it’s just a scab. This great feeling I feel inside today makes me feel sooooo good. I wish I knew the trigger. I wish I could be promised that I’ll have it again soon. I don’t know many people who miss themselves but I sure do.