I knew I was in for it the moment after everything happened. I ran to the calendar, looked at the date and just as I suspected I was close to ovulating. GREAT!! I didn’t want to get pregnant again at all but I resigned myself to the possibility and gave myself a few kicks for not being responsible. I was counting the weeks until my period was supposed to arrive and when I thought it hadn’t, I bought a pregnancy test and it said negative. For some reason I just wasn’t convinced that I wasn’t pregnant, I know my body really well and this body felt pregnant. A few days later I went and bought another test and stared at it. The line turned pink so incredibly slow. I hated the anticipation. Once it was conclusive that I was indeed pregnant, I had a mini mental breakdown. There was a lot of breathing and sobbing and Silas laughing because he thought I was having a good time for some reason. I was a total mess, I did NOT want to be pregnant. Brent had no idea that I had taken another test and I didn’t want to call him at work so I waited for him to come home. I had to do something that afternoon with my sister Jennie and I’m sure she thought something was up because I was very quiet the entire time. When I got home, Brent was already home and in the shower. I quickly stuck Silas in his crib so he’d be safe, undressed and joined Brent in the shower where I told him we were pregnant, grabbed for him and sobbed. My husband takes everything in stride so he was very strong about it all.
For the first time in my life I felt like I could at least empathize with people who have abortions. I’d like to think I would never have one because I think they’re wrong but you can’t judge anyone until you’ve walked in their shoes. Everyone is a product of their life’s walk and now mine has shown me what it feels like to be scared and pregnant. Of course I didn’t really contemplate an abortion, there was no real reason for it aside from my own selfishness, I knew I would get over that eventually.
I can’t keep anything a secret so I went on to call my entire family and tell them the news. They were all totally in shock because I had just had a baby 9 months before and I wasn’t even close to talking about having another one. They were excited though, another new baby is so exciting. For everyone else that is.
It really took me a fair bit of time to accept the fact that I was indeed having this baby and it was a good thing. Now in my heart I know it’s an amazing thing and I’m so excited that Silas gets a little brother that is so close in age. I still am disappointed that I never got to plan a baby, Silas wasn’t planned either. Just a product of natural family planning gone bad. Well, it went very well for us in the end but you know what I mean. I have just over 9 weeks left of carrying this baby and I can’t wait to discover who he is. I’m terrified yet really calm about the entire thing.
I think it’s important that people know it’s normal to feel such feelings. I didn’t feel these things during my pregnancy with Silas but after I had him I wanted him to go away. It took me a long time to actually fall in love with the boy. I’m finding that most people I know haven’t planned their children either and have gone through similar emotions. Just know that if you are going through this too, it’s normal. Don’t feel guilty about it because you can’t help how you feel, just make sure you’re choosing to be positive!