Those of you who know me well will be astonished to know that yesterday I was actually considering trying anti-depressants again. Ya, weird hey? It was a miserable day.
I was having a pity party, a “why me” kinda day. I know my life isn’t horrible but I feel like I’ve been dealt a lot of crappy cards and they just don’t stop coming. I was down about that. I was down about the fact that I’m pretty much always in a mild-severe state of depression. Usually mild. Ticked that I have no idea how to live up to my potential.
Once every 4 months or so I’ll have a day where it feels like everything is just right. Not necessarily my situation but just how I feel. I feel like I used to feel, happy, alert, sensible, energetic, etc. I want that every day. I miss feeling like that. I’m not sure how to though.
I was 7 when I started on this road of depression. At the time I was living in Prince George with my mom, Juliet and Andy. My parents had divorced a few years earlier and my dad was in the hospital completely paralized from a bad fall that he took. My mom was in school full time which was SO wicked of her but also very stressful. It was an extreamely dark time in my life. That’s when I started getting down, I was totally suicidal (which didn’t last long) and I’ve been depressed about 80% of the time since. I wanted to die (not suicidal though) until I was 21. It’s been 18 years of this now, most of my life. I don’t want to hit 20 years…
I’m not miserable most of the time. Sadness is only one symptom of depression. I’m usually not sad. I have the lack of motivation and energy, loss of interest in things that make me happy, difficulty concentrating or making decisions, feelings of worthlessness or guilt, slowed activity…etc. I’m too sensible to always be sad. There’s too much in my life that’s good to be sad. But the rest of it I feel like I cann’t change, not even with a good attitude.
You see, when I do get motivated to do stuff I go haywire and clean my entire house, play with my kids like a super woman, cook an amazing supper…things I should be able to do. And then I’m tired for about a week afterwards. Physically drained. Ya…manic much?
Anyway, I’m noticing the depression a lot right now because I’ve lost interest in something I love to do a lot…blogging. I’m going to make myself keep going though, hang in there with me please. I’m pretty bummed that I’ve lost so many readers but I’ll get things moving again.
So then I wonder…maybe I just need to give into the drugs and see what happens? Can you tell I’m desperate? Writing this has brought a lot of clarity to my situation actually…
Oooo and don’t go getting all worried on me. I’m surviving.