Still struggling with this stupid anxious feeling. I know where it’s coming from. I’ve decided to pull up my big girl panties and, no matter how much it stresses me out, I’m taking control of the things in my life that I’ve ignored. Things I ignore because they cause me to feel so so so so stressed out that if I didn’t have the coping skills, they would make me lose it. For some reason money is something I just want to have there, I don’t wanna know how much I have, I want to be able to reasonably spend it (I’m not a big spender) and have someone else pay my bills and forget about it all. Looking at my bank account causes me to feel like I’m about to hyperventilate.
It wasn’t always that way, I think it’s from Brent and I going through our share of super tough times and developing a fear of…finances? Ugh.
But, with any fear or weird habit that produces anxiety, you need to just sit with it, feel the ebb and flow of your stress and notice it going down. It WILL get easier. Now it’s hard, but I’m doing it anyway. Turning 29 made me realize that it’s actually time to grow up in some ways.
The anxiety, although unpleasant, is definitely a motivator. I want to get up and moving and getting things done just so the feeling goes away. It helps to move fast, it helps to work hard, it helps to exercise and it helps that I don’t drink a gallon of coffee in the morning now for fear of making it 10x worse. It makes me not want to procrastinate. Perhaps it’s one of those blessings in disguise.
I remember this fall I was in charge of something big. I co-lead a group of people who had to do the food for a massive, spur of the moment wine and dine event. The food had to be perfect and it had to be cheap…and there had to be a lot of it. I was a right mess with HORRIBLE anxiety about it but I also took steps to make my life easier at the same time. Perhaps I do better with this feeling in my gut, perhaps it’s a bit of a gift to get me going. I’m not accepting this as my reality forever, but I’m trying to pick the positive out of it.
I thought I had it all taken care of, I did a crapload of scary things yesterday and my husband took care of his part. We felt like a million bucks. I went to bed, satisfied with my day, applauding us for doing what we needed to do but I woke up this morning with a horrible feeling in my chest again.
I guess my journey to become the person I feel like I can be isn’t all going to be roses and success. There are prices to pay for breaking cycles and defeating programs. It’s still not easier to live my life the way I was. It’s not easier to feel like a sad lump all the time.
So, this season I’m tackling the things that any grown up should. I’m also starting to eat way less gluten and I feel like I need to commit to a gluten casein free diet as well. That’s my next step in making myself feel more awesome by the time I’m 30. I don’t have an ADD diagnosis but I am also not a hypochondriac and I know, very well, that I carry so many of the symptoms that it’s worth taking steps to lessen them. More on that another day, it’s taking all of me to not go on a rabbit trail with all that.