Humbled

I’m finding myself lowering down off of my pompous high horse every day. I’m definitely one to hold other parents in contempt for their parenting ideas. I’m finding empathy for things. I’m realizing why people move to bottle feeding. Take away my devotion or knowledge of natural healthy eating and Isaac would have a bottle in his mouth asap. He’s no fun to nurse right now and he takes forever. I always thought having a drugless delivery would be so easy and only wimpy people chose drugs.  I couldn’t have one with Silas so I tried with Isaac and I’ll never do that again.  I’m as weak as anyone else and I completely lost it and asked for drugs but it was too late.  I’ll never do that again, it was the worst pain in the world. I never thought I would have a kid who hit but here I am with a child who hits. I never even thought I could come close to empathizing with people who’ve had abortions but I understood once I got pregnant with Isaac. I still think it’s wrong but I understand because I know what it’s like to be terrified. I empathize with child abusers. They’re sick sick people but really I’m a few loose screws away from being one myself some days. Good thing those few screws are in tight. I can empathize with people who were once against spanking and now do it and I can also empathize with people who believe in it. Goodness do I want to spank some days. Thank GOD for those tight screws. Because I’m a mother I know what it’s like to be self conscious of my body. I never had a reason to. Perky breasts, not one stretch mark, skinny body. Having babies took that all away from me. I wish I didn’t buy into the American ideal beauty image. My glorious marriage isn’t unshakable. My libido is definitely tame-able. I’m not a great mother every day. Heck, some days I’m not even a good mother. Becoming a mother has humbled me quite a bit. I’m glad I know more empathy. Not so sure that I can be glad about my body but perhaps one day I’ll embrace it, or have the money to fix it.

In conclusion, being a mother is freaking hard. I’m finding it especially hard with two even though my case is easier than most. I’m tired of judging people, of feeling judged, and especially tired of people feeling like this whole thing is a competition. I don’t care if your kid has more teeth or is heavier, lighter, or recites the ten commandments at three months. I’m just proud of my kids for being who they are. I guess that’s where a mother can once again find some pride.

10 comments

  1. What a fantastic post!! So sincere, so tender.

    I too have found parenting a huge lesson in humility. HUGE. My heart broke a little reading your post thinking about the pressures on mothers today. Your post also made me think about the rich power of motherhood – about the potential, sometimes realised, of joining the matriarchy. Mothers (usually) have this wonderful empathy that comes with the job and if only it is allowed to flourish, free of the corruption of women being pitted against one another, fighting over the scraps – then there is this incredible support group, this amazing bond that you become part of when you become a mother.

  2. Leah,

    I think this is a really beautiful post. God knows our hearts, and a humble heart is so beautiful to him, and I think he will bless you for it. It’s painful to be humbled, I know that not from parenting but from other experiences. For 2 years when we lived with an Islamic tribe in Africa I was just a “woman”, equivelent to a child. It was a very painful death to self. I know that God blesses the meak, he makes you more like himself.

  3. Okay, this is EXACTLY how I’ve been feeling lately. I now know what you were talking about. I knew a little bit before, but two kids change everything.

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