After a rough morning I wondered weather or not I should write what happened here or just journal it. This isn’t the easiest thing to write but this blog is about being authentic and about saying things that most people are to scared or embarrassed to say so people don’t feel alone.
It’s been a rough morning. I could feel things coming to a head yesterday at church. Just so overwhelmed about life. So upset that I just feel like I keep getting dumped on and that I’m just not capable of keeping everything together even when I get a lifeline thrown at me.
I’ve been in a state of self loathing for quite some time. Obviously the autism news set me off. Those who have been with me these past two years know that I’ve been thrown a lot of curve balls, some little, some very big. So sometimes I feel as though the universe needed a place to crap, so it chose me.
So this morning, as I took a look at the money situation and tried to deal with a screaming Silas it just all fell apart. I lost it and I lost it good. I used to be pretty harmful to myself in my moments of losing it but over the years I’ve been able to maintain control of that urge to hurt myself. It’s just like something switches in my brain and I just can’t cope. I’m pretty sure it’s not normal but for someone who’s lead the kind of life I have (which I don’t talk about here…but I might one day)…perhaps it’s quite normal. I did the only thing I could think to do. I buried my face in my pillow and screamed my face off. Yes, uncomfortable, yes ugly but this is reality today.
Some days I’m not sure if I have one thing left in me. I’m a broken person, I always have been. Most people that are close to me have noticed that I don’t really do phone calls much anymore. I just have nothing left to give anyone right now. Perhaps this head space is an irrational one, yes I should go back to therapy…it’s still my reality. This is the nitty gritty on how I feel.
I’m not one of those inspiring parents of a child with special needs. The inspiring ones are the ones who somehow seem to cope through having WAY worse than this, children who are dying or severely disabled. Those people are warriors. I’d die…I’d crawl into a small hole and never come out. I can hardly hold it together with this. But there is the autism, the peanut allergy, the asthma and Ikey’s eye problem. All those “that wont happen to me”‘s are happening. Perhaps in a mild way, but perhaps I just can’t handle even one more mild thing. Sometimes I wonder how can this not be my limit? What else is coming at me??
Brent saved me this morning. We had a good, long talk. One solid thing in my life is my husband. We’re so so so in love and he’s so so so commited to me. He’s great. He calmed me down.
Anyway, this isn’t for pity or attention. It’s just to be real. I hope that someone out there perhaps feels less alone in their own life. Because I don’t care what people know about me, that’s just how I am. Don’t worry about me though, I’ve made it this far.