Silas is in a phase again…the kicking, screaming, head-butting, hitting kinda phase. After I got him in his nap finally I just burst into tears. Almost a good hour of fighting with him, restraining him and yes, losing my patience with him.
How many times can a person calmly tell someone who’s hurting them to “stop” before they snap? I should have counted.
I’m not feeling like the person for this job. How often do mothers of kids with special needs feel like they’re in over their heads? All of them? Hopefully some of them. I’m not the only one am I?
So ya…it’s Feeling Inadequate Day at Leah’s house. Pull yourselves out of bed and come over, we’ll drink something hard (and cheap) and talk about how much this SUCKS today. Because really, it sucks.
I’m trying to embrace autism as something beautiful, something unique that will help my son to see life from a different and amazing perspective but today I hate it. I don’t want it, I want it gone. I hate how sad it makes it, I hate how explosive it makes him, I hate that he hits Isaac, I hate it all right now. My heart breaks every time Isaac gets caught in the storm. It’s not fair!!
Anyway, I’m grouchy, I’m bitter, I’m resentful and I figure I may as well be honest about it. I’m resenting autism…not Silas. I’m having a hard time. I just can’t muster up all the positive Jenny McCarthy bright and shiny feelings and “cure” my son after mourning for a week. I can’t stop mourning. I need to get a grip…no more talking…I wanna cry.
That sounds like a really hard day…if I lived closer you can bet I’d have come over to drink something with you…gin is my fav. with Fresca.
Hey Leah,
I’m so sorry you’re having a tough time. You can bet your little heiney that you are absolutely NOT THE ONLY ONE struggling in this way. Heck, those of us without special needs children have days that push us to the limits, and we aren’t dealing with even a fraction of what you’re trying to handle.
So… breathe. Have a nice bubble bath like in your picture up there in the header. And know that you aren’t given anything you can’t handle. Trust that you are exactly the person Silas chose to be his mom because he needs exactly who you are. Trust that little Isaac chose Silas to be his brother, because he’s going to learn amazing things from this experience that will help him be a strong and compassionate man.
I’m sure Jenny McCarthy has spend many, many, many days and nights resenting the hell out of autism. You are allowed to give yourself a break, honey. There will be good days and bad days. And you can handle this.
Now go get someone to give you a big hug.
I can’t imagine anyone who’d embrace autism 100%. You’re a real person. You know it. Thanks for sharing it.
P.S. It’s been Feeling Inadequate Day nearly every day at our house for years now…
<3 x 10 babe. hold in there.
Leah, you cry all you want – we cry with you. You have two precious boys, and you have a wonderful husband. Remember, he is hurting too. Lean on that wonderful man – lean on each other when times are rough. Love, Gram