Silas is in a phase again…the kicking, screaming, head-butting, hitting kinda phase. After I got him in his nap finally I just burst into tears. Almost a good hour of fighting with him, restraining him and yes, losing my patience with him.
How many times can a person calmly tell someone who’s hurting them to “stop” before they snap? I should have counted.
I’m not feeling like the person for this job. How often do mothers of kids with special needs feel like they’re in over their heads? All of them? Hopefully some of them. I’m not the only one am I?
So ya…it’s Feeling Inadequate Day at Leah’s house. Pull yourselves out of bed and come over, we’ll drink something hard (and cheap) and talk about how much this SUCKS today. Because really, it sucks.
I’m trying to embrace autism as something beautiful, something unique that will help my son to see life from a different and amazing perspective but today I hate it. I don’t want it, I want it gone. I hate how sad it makes it, I hate how explosive it makes him, I hate that he hits Isaac, I hate it all right now. My heart breaks every time Isaac gets caught in the storm. It’s not fair!!
Anyway, I’m grouchy, I’m bitter, I’m resentful and I figure I may as well be honest about it. I’m resenting autism…not Silas. I’m having a hard time. I just can’t muster up all the positive Jenny McCarthy bright and shiny feelings and “cure” my son after mourning for a week. I can’t stop mourning. I need to get a grip…no more talking…I wanna cry.