I just tucked Isaac into bed, he cooed at me a little. I stood there and just stared at his smiles for a moment and rubbed his head. That boy is the sunshine in my day. Silas is too when he’s not freaking out. I find Isaac’s face to be really relaxing, almost theraputic. His innocence, his happiness in little things and his skooshie cheeks all make for a wonderful sight.
I had a dream last night that we had another baby. I remember in my dream I looked in the mirror, I was feeling the postpartum anxiety starting and I said to myself “oh well”. I was so glad to wake up this morning (Ikey and Silas slept really well again!!) and see that I only had two children waiting for me. Not three. I’m out of my desiring a third child phase. That didn’t last very long at all.
I’m realizing more and more that I’m struggling with depression a bit more than I thought I was. I went out last night and spent some money, that I don’t actually have, on a light therapy book (don’t buy it off the website, go to Costco, it’s 100 bucks cheaper). I started treatment this morning and I’m going to chart my mood, sleep and energy levels each day to see if I’m finding some success with it. It did make me a bit nauseous which it said it might but it didn’t last long. I felt my seratonin kick in as well. I’m pretty in tune to feeling good hormones because it’s rather shocking to feel them I guess. I always get a massive rush when I get adjusted by the chiro. It’ll be about a week before I’ll really see results so here’s hoping. I wont do drugs…I wont I wont I wont! I like highs and lows and….peeing and feeling and some other “things” that effexor took away from me. Once I stop nursing I’ll start taking St. Johns Wort as well.
I’m tired today, down-ish, easily irritated. I am not nursing at night anymore so my hormones could be adjusting to that. Perhaps I’m going to start seeing Aunt Flow again soon.
Wow, the power was just out for an hour. I love Firefox and it’s ability to restore stuff. I’m going to go eat some food and watch some loud tv so I can pretend my kids are actually napping.