I have this little problem that becomes a really big problem in certain situations. The formal name for it is adult ADD but I don’t like using it. Whenever I talk about having ADD everyone gets quiet. Family members especially. No I haven’t been formerly diagnosed with ADD. My counselor and I came to that realization and I have almost all of the symptoms plus it’s hereditary and my dad has it. I always thought I had it but I was never as bad as someone we know that has it so I guess that’s why I went so many years without being diagnosed. Once we talked through it and came to the conclusion that I have it I felt SO much better about myself. Sometimes I don’t think it’s a disorder but I personality type. It does not allow you to learn the conventional way and it does not allow you to live the conventional way. I don’t think in the conventional way either.
Lately it’s been soooo much worse than normal. I can’t answer simple questions like “where’s the milk?”. I know the answer but I can never find the word for it. It takes me all day to drink my cup of coffee because I forget about it. Any task right now seems like it’s a mountain to climb. On Sunday even getting up to pee was a battle of the mind. “Get up Leah, go pee…it hurts”. I’m getting so down about it lately, I just want it to go away.
It’s so hard for people to understand it. A person with a typical brain would just think that if your house is messy you clean it, if you have to pee then go pee, if you have a paper due then write it. But it doesn’t work that way in my brain. Everything is 100 times harder for me too accomplish if it’s a task I don’t feel like doing. I feel that way about people with mental issues that I don’t have but who still seem like normal people. There’s some people with fetal alcohol effects that have been adopted into my family and I just think the same way about them sometimes. Why can’t you just be this way?? I can! But it’s the same, you just can’t. Your mental connections are just different.
I always feel judged about how I live, how my house is kept, how I deal with situations. Everyone else can handle two children and keep their house tidy…why can’t Leah? People try and offer up suggestions like telling me to make a list. I do make lists and then I go on to something else like blogging and I’ll find the list a month later and be like “oh ya, I need to clean my bathroom….ooo look a fly on the wall”.
Anyway, I truly wish I was like everyone else. I hate being like this, everything a battle, every stupid task a battle in my mind. I hate the stupid awkward silences I get when I bring it up, like people don’t believe me and I shouldn’t ever use it as an excuse…I just don’t bring it up anymore. People don’t understand the disorder…once I told someone I have it and they said “you don’t have ADD, you’re not stupid”. *sigh*. It really seems like no one believes me when I bring it up…thus the silence.
I do feel really under-supported in this area of my life. I seem to be the only one of my siblings graced with this issue…one sister shows some symptoms but she’s high functioning in the areas I’m not. This problem has haunted me my entire life, always feel like I was lazy and I wasn’t as good as everyone else. Spending lunch time and recess alone because people didn’t like the hyper girl. Always getting report cards back saying “Leah needs to apply herself more”. Always feeling bad that my house isn’t clean and I haven’t managed to get myself dressed by the time my husband gets home. As much as this has made me unique, I hate it. I feel like I am losing to it even though a while ago I was feeling like I was rising above it. There’s so much chaos in my life right now so when that happens I can’t function properly. I feel so badly when I’m a guest at other people’s houses. When there’s so much company and chaos I go into cocoon mode. I actually almost physically cannot make myself move to help out or anything. Sometimes I can but usually I feel glued to the couch or chair, it’s embarrassing. I’m also tired of the perma-bruise on both shoulders, I can’t properly analyze space so when I go through a doorway or around a corner I hit my shoulder on the door jam or corner…you’d think I’d learn by now but I don’t and dangit it smarts.
I’m just needing a good vent…perhaps I’ll have a good cry about it too. I just can’t help but feel bad about myself for it lately. I feel bad for my kids who sometimes I actually forget about mid-way through a diaper change…so they’re just laying there un-diapered with their mommy in the kitchen because she’s suddenly decided to fill the dishwasher. Don’t worry, they’re never there long….I can’t actually fill the entire dishwasher before getting distracted by something else and then I see them. There’s never been any accidents.
I wish I knew what it felt like to be driven, to feel real motivation not just a flutter of it here and there. I feel like I could accomplish so much in my life if only I was motivated. I really don’t know what that’s like. I know what it’s like to by hyper focussed on something only to lose interest in it after a while. I’ve never actually felt true motivation for any long period of time unless all of me completely wants it. Usually there’s a factor in it that I don’t want to do so the motivation goes away. Bye motivation. Good thing I love everything about blogging or else you’d all be left in the dark.