So, my counseling appointment went smashingly. Gosh I remember why I love that woman so much, she’s so warm and nice. It was good to hear someone say “of course you’re depressed, no WONDER you’re depressed”. There was mention of drugs but I wont even consider when I’m nursing and I don’t think I’d consider otherwise either. I had a bad run-in with Effexor once and ya…never take that stuff. Well, wait, take it if you need to. It just was evil to me and it took me longer to wean myself off it than I was actually on the crap stuff…I’m sure some of you know exactly what I’m talking about *wink wink*.
The place I go to is this wonderful place where they don’t charge very much for amazing quality counseling. A person like me can’t actually afford to pay 80-500 bucks an hour so it’s nice to be able to still go despite the money issues. I love it there, it’s great. One of my readers actually works there I believe….:)
Anyway, it was a good little talk, mostly just talked about what we need to work on. She gave me homework to reading and do. I took a little self assessment test. Those always make my lights turn on. I don’t realize how down I am until I take something like that. I’m so stinking used to depression that it feels normal to me. Seriously, I’ve literally been depressed almost as far back as I can remember. I was actually suicidal in grade 2 (don’t worry, suicidal feelings left me forever around that age as well). So I guess what’s “normal” to me must not be actually typical.
I guess I also don’t notice it because it’s been 100 times worse. I don’t know if many of you know what it’s like to want to peel the skin off your own body because you’re so depressed and your skin actually feels like it’s swallowing you. That’s down to me, I hardly ever go there. If I can function fairly well, I feel like I’m doing pretty good. Plus the warm glow of motherly love covers a multitude of sadness. Seriously, they make every day shine for me no matter what else is going on.
Anyway, like I said before. I know I’m more down than I should be. The fact that I’ve gotten a really pessimistic attitude about a lot of things this past year and a half and that I hide in my own home all of the time are all good clues that I should talk to someone. I really hate wasting time being unhappy.
In other news, Silas got down on his hands and knees today and for the first time pretended to be a doggie. He panted and barked and put something in his mouth, which he ended up falling on and then he bled on my shirt. BUT, I was laughing my face off….before the bleeding mouth. Another step away from any signs of autism…woot. Yes, he has concerned me before.
FabO honey! So glad you’re on your way to freedom from the stupid depression bug! I too spend FAR to much time being unhappy. Such a crappy place to be. Last night really made me realize I NEED to get out more – my friends love me, we can have fun together, we can laugh til we cry and then laugh some more! It’s okay to go out by myself, my baby was okay without his Mommy for 1 1/2 hours. It was like a good recharging for Mommy after being stuck in the house for SO long with all 5 kids. Must. Learn. To. Get. Out. More.
Ya perhaps not freedom. I’m not closed to the idea of freedom but I know, and my counselor also stated that I will probably never be cured of depression seeing that it’s so deep-rooted in me and my genes. Phooey. But I guess I still have the choice to work my butt off at coping with it right? I’m learning to cope.
That’s awesome Leah! I’m glad you are feeling hopeful after your first visit.
I know what you mean about never being free from it It’s like it’s fingers are wrapped so tightly around me I’ll never escape plus I have he whole bi-polar thing that will never go away. But counseling does help. Maybe you could even attend a support group? That could at least maybe take the edge off it. I would go to one but the only one they have is at 7pm while the hubbs is at work. I wish they had one earlier in the day.
Sounds like you need to laugh in the midst of mothering so you can find joy in being a mom. :o)
I’ve got the perfect book for you. Really.