Uninspired

Sorry, I’ve been hardly back to this blog and I’m already feeling uninspired.  I’m kinda that way with all of my life right now though.

The gloom of fall has overcome me and I’m ever so thankful my doctor has talked me out of going off my antidepressants until spring.  He was right.

The winter clouds in the West Coast always feel heavy upon me.  They’re oppressing and they make me feel slightly clausterphobic.  My back yard becomes a swamp and everything is damp.  The bottoms of your pants are always cold and wet and the days are so dark that it feels like we’re living in a perpetual dusk, until night time falls of course.

So I shine an annoying blue light at my face, eat warm food, curl up on the couch and enjoy the coziness I can find in this weather.

With this weather comes more uninspiration than I normally face…which is often a lot to begin with.

Part of me understands how I got this way.  I used to be filled with inspiration to do things.  I’d come up with big plans and follow through.  Then I’d come with big plans and not completely follow through.  As time went on I followed through less and gave up more.  Time has a funny way of making bad habits out of thoughts and actions and now any inspiration is a fleeting thought, my heart doesn’t even beat faster by the idea and I carry on with a life that is on the fence of satisfactory and, well, kinda not.

It’s strange how a person like me could think this way.  I’m bursting with positivity about my biggest struggle in life which is having a child with autism.  I am full of joy about him and his brother.  I’m in a fantastic marriage where love is just oozing out of us in a way that makes people say “ewwww” but secretly be jealous.  Ya it’s far from perfect but we just LOVE eachother and we respect eachother and we’re so open and honest, it’s fantastic.  Plus he’ll do the dishes sometimes :).

Such positive things in the life of a rather troubled mind.

I compare myself to everyone else, in the areas that do not matter.  I’m not a slim chick, I have back boobs AND a muffin top which haunt me on a daily basis.  But, I’m actually rather slim in the grande scheme of things…yet I beat myself up about it.  I’m a homeowner yet I burn with envy over those who own houses…on property.  Not townhouses.  It’s dumb that I feel like I need to keep up that way.  I long to be like those people who can just up and do something that they don’t want to do…they do it anyway?  I dunno, aside from taking good care of my children, many times I’ve actually done something I simply didn’t want to do.  I have to want to do something to do it at all.  Hence the messy house.  But really….it’s not like Hoaders…so my family is fine.

I have so much to be thankful for, yet I torture myself with negativity.

It’s funny how we all know how to make ourselves better.  #1 is I need to exercise 5 days a week.  Studies show that that’s the very best way to beat depression.  I know this.  I’m smart.  But I guess I’m only smart in the knowing part of the brain because putting such a task to action is like….are you kidding me?  Why is it so hard to move my body in such a way that feels good, gives me energy, makes me feel positive and also burns off those back boobs?

Hmmmmm.

It’s that whole uninspired thing I guess.

Why does depression have to be such a….disease?  It’s like it has tangled its way into my brain, digging it’s roots as deep as possible.  It’s wound it’s way throughout every inch of me and it’s stubborn about staying put.

In all ways sensible, I should feel like Wonder woman.  A depressed brain isn’t sensible.  And I’m not SAD, I’m hardly very sad.  I don’t mope.  I just have all the other stuff, being uninspired, low evergy, little desire to do anything.

This blue light is giving me an eye ache.

Again, I really do HAVE everything.  I have a home, a car, a husband and children.  I truely feel like I’m a good person in so many ways.  Why can’t it radiate into all those dark places in my mind?  Dark places very much like the winter rains in which I’m living in right now.

So I shall continue at least focussing on the positive things in my life.  Like the love that is overflowing in me for my family.  The children who warm my heart so much and so often that my heart just hurts.  The husband who accepts all of me, who thinks I’m the sexiest thing ever, who gives all of himself to his family.

I am so blessed.  To bad my biology doesn’t agree.

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