Autism is weird. Is autism who Silas is or is autism something that has caged him? Who is Silas without autism? Is Silas autistic or is he ridden with a disease called autism? I dunno which way to look at it.
The other morning my sparkly darling of a son was being his adorable self. I was laying in bed with him, the sun was shining through through the white blinds and making his blonde hair sparkle. He was smiling so brightly. Then i thought to myself, what would he be like without autism?
I’ve been good at embracing the autism but in that moment I felt cheated, burdened, heavy, sad. I kinda had a flashback of my feeling from the beginning. But I told myself I wasn’t going to spend the day like that, so I didn’t.
But it’s in my head now. I want someone to tell me this is who Silas really is and was meant to be but I don’t believe it. “Everything’s meant to be” means there’s no free will. I need to know I’m not a robot in this grand scheme of things. Yes I’ve said this a million times.
Anyway, seeing him do the things he needs to cope. Reciting the alphabet 100 times a day, writing numbers and letters wherever he can, even if it’s just with his finger. Stimming, stomping, hitting, screaming, ear plugging…etc. These things, are they Silas? Who’s the boy in there that would have been? Or is he who he’s meant to be? Is he Silas?