To Karen: The Mom On Dr Phil Who Hates Her Daughter Julia
So this woman came on Dr Phil this week and told the world that she has a daughter with autism and she hates her. Just watch the clip so you get the full jest of why I felt the need to write this post. You can also watch ALL of the clips here.
Now, I know Dr Phil is getting this family help, which I am so thankful for. I just had a few things to say to this woman.
I have a son with autism, it feels like we have been through hell and back and we are still recovering. I know what it’s like to be bit, slapped, punched, pushed, kicked, elbowed, kneed, scratched, etc by my child with autism. He’s hurt me a million times. He used to bite me soooo hard that I couldn’t help but cry. I know what it’s like to feel like you’re living in hell. I know what it’s like to feel like you can’t do this anymore, like your child needs to be put into an institution because it’s just too much, like you can’t do this another day. I know what it’s like to drink a bottle of wine every night just so you can stop FEELING so terrible. I know this. I’ve lived this. I want you to feel like you’re not alone, because the last thing a mother who has a child with autism needs to feel, is alone.
I cannot, however, identify with hating him. I feel like the number one thing I’m good at giving my children is love. No matter what. My kids feel loved every day. They feel important.
The REAL difference between us is that you took the role of the victim and I took the role of responsibility. Yes I was very very very sad. If you read Silas’ Story you will see that I took it very very very very very hard. VERY hard. I’m still recovering. But, I learned everything I could and I got him help as fast as I could. I realized that getting HIM help was going to also greatly help me. I knew I needed it badly…so I got it!
My son no longer is more aggressive than any typical kid. We’re doing great! We are out of hell. That whole opening paragraph to you is no longer the norm for us!
Your child isn’t DOING THIS TO YOU!!!! You said in your interview that no one writes books about these things. YES THEY DO!!! THEY DO THEY DO THEY DO!! There are hundreds of books out there about autism, learning disabilities, etc etc etc. Lady, I’m way younger than you, my kid is only 7, and compared to you…I’m a freaking genius when it comes to the autism world. Most parents of kids with special needs are. Because we see our children as valuable, as human beings!! It is WORTH it to take the time to become an expert on them.
Your daughter is BEAUTIFUL. She is worth all the love in the world. She didn’t ask for autism. She didn’t wake up one morning and decide to make YOUR life miserable and acquire this disorder. I’m sure she would have loved to be that cookie cutter daughter for you. If not only to make you shut up.
Do you not see that your role in her life is part of what’s kept her behind? I’m sorry, this is terribly blunt but you need to know this so you can move forward. Seeing her as less than human, seeing her as not worthy of your love, seeing her as this problem you don’t want to fix, it has kept her behind. Her only saving grace is her father and if things are still like they are when you were on Dr Phil, I hope he has run away with her by now.
She hears you every time you say mean things to her. She can’t help the things she does and if you were actually on the ball and took the role of a responsible parent, you would have figured out how YOU can help the things she does. You could learn that sometimes we need to change the way WE do things to their life is easier. My husband and I run this ship unlike any family we know, because we had to adapt to our son. He deserves us to bend to is world as much as we ask him to bend to ours.
Anyway, I trust you and your daughter are being taken care of. I do hope you figure this out. I encourage you to read the rest of my blog (if you ever see it). Maybe reading how I see the beauty in my son will help you find all the amazing things in your daughter. Not only is she missing out, you are too. You could allow this to change you for the better. You are in charge of making this easier on you, not her.
Having a child with challenges brings out the worst in us, but it also brings out the best…what we never knew possible. I wish that on you. I wish the very best. I wish for you to see the light and to see what a blessing your daughter is.
If you do read this. PLEASE email me. I think it would be good for you to be in contact with other special needs moms. leah@theinformalmatriarch.com
She is doing everything she claims her daughter is doing. She is being immature, she is acting like and 8 year old, She is hitting and hurting, she is treating someone in a manner they do not deserve, and she is making someone not understand why she is acting like that. The difference between them is that her daughter has a reason, and she does not. Now I understand why you were so angry earlier. This is tragic and sad.
I do not have any idea what it is like for a parent, any parent to raise a child who has autism. I do know that I would find out anything and everything I could about it so I could at least have a fighting chance at UNDERSTANDING MY OWN. DEAR. CHILD.
Listening to this Mother makes me just shake my head. I have too much anger and too many words I better stop now.
I am in a state of disbelief…
I hope she comes across your blog, Leah. And soon. Well written.
I was able to track down her email and she has responded. I’m excited to help her.
I love this. I love you more for tracking her down to help her. Despite our silly twitter repartee, please know that you inspire me! Your children are very lucky to have you.
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I just know, first hand, what editing can do to a story. Turns out this woman knows a lot more than they made her out to know. And thank you 🙂
I’m crying & in a state of disbelief that a mother can be so lost & not fight for a better understanding of their own child’s diagnosis.
You have a big heart Leah. This lady may not know it yet, but she’s just found an invaluable resource of support & information in you. I’m proud of you for reaching out to her. 🙂 <3
Leah, I’m so glad you tracked her down! You have poured your heart and soul into your boys and there will be many more people who will benefit from your caring heart and diligence. You are an amazing person with lots to share with this mother and many more mothers who are going through difficulties.
Keep at it, girlfriend.
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Good on ya Leah!! I watched and turned it off half way through the other day. I couldn’t believe the things she was saying let alone the way she looked at her daughter. I am glad you tracked her down, and hopefully your conversations help her in some way, help her daughter in some way.
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Wonderful post! Please keep us updated on how the mother is doing now! That’s so great that you tracked her down. I love your blog and find comfort in it knowing that I’m not alone. My son is 18 months and I’m doing everything I can to get him the help he needs even though I’m scared and freaking out on the inside. Well done.
I’m a mostly nonverbal autistic person, I’ve known I was not neurotypical since around the age of 4 (my mom probably knew before then). The reason I’m mostly nonverbal is because my mom hates me and hates the fact that I’m autistic she never wanted me to speak or move or do anything or talk to anyone in public for fear that *gasp* someone might notice that I’m autistic and put a stain on her immaculate reputation? And so I became incredibly afraid of speaking, I still struggle with speaking verbally an adult. If you don’t want your autistic child GIVE THEM UP FOR ADOPTION. As an adult the fact that my mother has wanted me to die or disappear for my entire life still weighs heavily on me. This kind of monumental unsufferable inescapable abuse does more lasting damage than any beating I’ve taken. News flash piece of shit moms: if you raise your child like you wish they were aborted, they will grow up to someone who wishes they were never born as well. But I guess she’d be too happy if I kill myself so I’ll at least wait until the old bitch is dead herself.
It’s unacceptable the way your mother treated you. I am so sorry. You’re incredibly valuable despite everything she has said and done. I know it’s very hard, but you can’t judge how important you are by a broken scale (aka your mom). I hope you find some trustworthy people and get the help you need to move forward with strength. I’m doing that very thing right now, I’m in therapy about the abuse I went through as a child. It’s hard but it’s worth it. Love to you.