To Karen: The Mom On Dr Phil Who Hates Her Daughter Julia
So this woman came on Dr Phil this week and told the world that she has a daughter with autism and she hates her. Just watch the clip so you get the full jest of why I felt the need to write this post. You can also watch ALL of the clips here.
Now, I know Dr Phil is getting this family help, which I am so thankful for. I just had a few things to say to this woman.
I have a son with autism, it feels like we have been through hell and back and we are still recovering. I know what it’s like to be bit, slapped, punched, pushed, kicked, elbowed, kneed, scratched, etc by my child with autism. He’s hurt me a million times. He used to bite me soooo hard that I couldn’t help but cry. I know what it’s like to feel like you’re living in hell. I know what it’s like to feel like you can’t do this anymore, like your child needs to be put into an institution because it’s just too much, like you can’t do this another day. I know what it’s like to drink a bottle of wine every night just so you can stop FEELING so terrible. I know this. I’ve lived this. I want you to feel like you’re not alone, because the last thing a mother who has a child with autism needs to feel, is alone.
I cannot, however, identify with hating him. I feel like the number one thing I’m good at giving my children is love. No matter what. My kids feel loved every day. They feel important.
The REAL difference between us is that you took the role of the victim and I took the role of responsibility. Yes I was very very very sad. If you read Silas’ Story you will see that I took it very very very very very hard. VERY hard. I’m still recovering. But, I learned everything I could and I got him help as fast as I could. I realized that getting HIM help was going to also greatly help me. I knew I needed it badly…so I got it!
My son no longer is more aggressive than any typical kid. We’re doing great! We are out of hell. That whole opening paragraph to you is no longer the norm for us!
Your child isn’t DOING THIS TO YOU!!!! You said in your interview that no one writes books about these things. YES THEY DO!!! THEY DO THEY DO THEY DO!! There are hundreds of books out there about autism, learning disabilities, etc etc etc. Lady, I’m way younger than you, my kid is only 7, and compared to you…I’m a freaking genius when it comes to the autism world. Most parents of kids with special needs are. Because we see our children as valuable, as human beings!! It is WORTH it to take the time to become an expert on them.
Your daughter is BEAUTIFUL. She is worth all the love in the world. She didn’t ask for autism. She didn’t wake up one morning and decide to make YOUR life miserable and acquire this disorder. I’m sure she would have loved to be that cookie cutter daughter for you. If not only to make you shut up.
Do you not see that your role in her life is part of what’s kept her behind? I’m sorry, this is terribly blunt but you need to know this so you can move forward. Seeing her as less than human, seeing her as not worthy of your love, seeing her as this problem you don’t want to fix, it has kept her behind. Her only saving grace is her father and if things are still like they are when you were on Dr Phil, I hope he has run away with her by now.
She hears you every time you say mean things to her. She can’t help the things she does and if you were actually on the ball and took the role of a responsible parent, you would have figured out how YOU can help the things she does. You could learn that sometimes we need to change the way WE do things to their life is easier. My husband and I run this ship unlike any family we know, because we had to adapt to our son. He deserves us to bend to is world as much as we ask him to bend to ours.
Anyway, I trust you and your daughter are being taken care of. I do hope you figure this out. I encourage you to read the rest of my blog (if you ever see it). Maybe reading how I see the beauty in my son will help you find all the amazing things in your daughter. Not only is she missing out, you are too. You could allow this to change you for the better. You are in charge of making this easier on you, not her.
Having a child with challenges brings out the worst in us, but it also brings out the best…what we never knew possible. I wish that on you. I wish the very best. I wish for you to see the light and to see what a blessing your daughter is.
If you do read this. PLEASE email me. I think it would be good for you to be in contact with other special needs moms. firstname.lastname@example.org