Exactly a year ago today we were told that our little girl’s heart had stopped beating. A whole year. I remember that day so clearly and how I had wished I could skip ahead to where time had gone by and I the pain wasn’t so sharp and painful. Where I felt like I could breathe again. It took months to just be able to feel like I could breathe.
But now a year has gone by and the pain has dulled (despite so many people telling me that it never gets better….it can get better) and new life is bouncing and kicking inside of me. A strong little girl who has me wishing more time flies by so I can get to her delivery. Then it can slooowww downnnn.
Anniversaries are weird. We’re always celebrating yearly things. Or mourning them. Birthday’s, wedding anniversaries, losses of loved ones. I prepared myself for this day by wondering why I would be sad that it’s been a year. I’m actually glad it’s been a year. May 19 2013 marked the first day of one of the hardest years of my life. So much bad happened. Stuff I can’t and won’t talk about because it’s happened to loved ones. I’m hoping May 19 2014 marks the beginning of an incredible year.
So I am not in the depths of despair today. This anniversary has me pensive and so will the next few days that mark the long wait for the drugs to work and, finally her delivery on the 21st. But I just feel glad all those days of healing and growing have gone by. I can look back and say that I honoured her the way I wanted to. By respecting her birth as if it were an alive baby on her due date, by not allowing her short life to make me worse off. I owe it to her to have the impact of her life leave me as a better person. I feel like I’ve done that. Her life was not in vain.
And, you may call me crazy, it’s almost like she is back with me. The outpouring of love and support I received was amazing. I was given and borrowed so many books . All of which talk about how a soul chooses a family and intends to keep trying until it has been born, alive. It gave me comfort thinking of it that way. I was meant to have a daughter and she is with me.