Bring Me Baileys!!

I’m having coffee today, it’s a coffee day. It’s actually a coffee and Baileys day but since I’m without Baileys, I guess I’m just drinking coffee.

Silas is downstairs having a massive temper tantrum because he wants a bite of wrap. I have many bites I’ve pre-torn for him that are sitting right beside me. Silas forgot one thing though, his manners. He’s screaming about wanting a wrap as opposed to asking nicely. So no wrap for you. Sometimes being a hard-ass makes life a lot more complicated but it’s in his best interests to not give into the freak outs. He’s coming up the stairs now, asking nicer. I hope I can get a please.

I’m so tired of my kids behavior lately. They’re both seriously off right now. I have them at my feet all day long just whining and crying and asking for things over and over and over. Silas is hitting Isaac and slapping me in the face. I feel like a mother from the show Nanny 911. Isaac wont stop crying all of the time. See why it’s a Baileys and coffee kinda day?

Isaac is officially a toddler. I have two toddlers. Lord help us all.

So I went to my counselor yesterday, it was our first visit after that shoulds list thingy. She made me make a list of all the things I liked about myself, all of my good qualities. It was interesting. We realized my good qualities and the things I do like about myself come from a deep place inside of me. The shoulds list comes from my own insecurities and from not feeling like I’m meeting people’s expectations of me…feeling judged. I easily got to the root of all of that so now we’re working on letting that list go, setting appropriate goals and hopefully working on my self esteem.

It’s funny because more and more I’m realizing how stinking bad my self esteem is. I always thought it was really good actually. I think it’s because I can dress funky and I’m an outside of the box kind of person. I can sing in front of 500 people and feel great about it. I can also lay my soul and my sins in front of everyone and not care what they think about it. But I can’t have a conversation with most people without beating myself up about the things I said or how I said it. I can’t pick up the phone and call an old friend. I can’t ever stand up for myself (I can in dire situations or with a few select people) and if I try I fumble over my words and beat myself up more. My armpits sweat when I’m in a social situation. I hold a pillow on my lap whenever I’m around people…it’s to hide behind. I think everyone is judging me.

It’s all those little things that are making me realize that I need to find a good, solid love for who I am. To know I deserve to stand up for myself and to know that people actually do like me. I think as a child I really didn’t have solid friendships. I was either a loner or in a relationship with girlfriends where we would fight and put each other down a lot. I moved from school to school and it always ended up the same. For three years I was “popular” but it was just as hellish as the year that followed where I won the library helper award. Anything but walking around the school yard alone. What’s scary is that some of the negative people from those years could easily be reading this because this blog has an RSS feed to my facebook…and they’re my “friends” (because I’ve forgiven them…I think…).

We all have things that we consider truths in our lives. We take things that people say and call it true. I’m still believe those girls who called me annoying. I’m still believing the reason behind my shoulds list. Gosh I don’t need a counselor, I’m figuring this out on my own…no, I need her. She speaks a lot of truth into my life. I really like her. We’re really starting to get comfortable with each other and stuff so it’s getting really good.

She has another assignment for me. Each day I have to focus on one quality that I like about myself. She said to journal about it and then was like “oh ya you blog!!” so I’m blogging about them now. I like that idea. Today I’ll give you the list and I’ll start my journaling tomorrow.

One interesting thing was that she made me look at both lists. She pointed to my list of good qualities and asked if that was someone else, would I like them? I was like yes!! Then she had me look over my shoulds again and asked what I thought of that person. The first words that came out of my mouth was “she’s annoying”. And it’s true. I do find that whole “perfect” image that people try to hold on to as really really annoying (Leanne can attest to that one). That list is a lot of good goals but I’m going about it wrong and I’m expecting everything all at once. I already have substance, I just need to realize it and then feel confident in who I am.

The thing I’m most looking forward to from gaining confidence in who I am is being a better friend. my insecurities make me a half-assed friend. I’m not good at calling, I’m not good at going to people’s houses mainly because it freaks me out. Who knows why. I can’t wait to learn why…and fix it!!

Gosh, that was very theraputic. I love writing things down, for some reason, writing about these things helps bring a lot of self discovery.

K…my list…

• Good cook
• Honest
• Open minded
• Funny
• Open
• Warm
• Good Singer
• Good Gardener
• Good mom
• Good listener
• Good hairdresser
• Creative
• Authentic
• Unconventional
• Outside the box thinker
• Not quick to judge

K that was only slightly embarrassing.

Here’s to mental health!

PS sorry grams and grumps about my over-usage of the word “ass”. It was just the perfect word to express myself 🙂 love you 🙂 Come to Ikey’s birthday party!!! Kisses.