Just So Sad

The moment you fall in love with your child you’re completely ruined.  Sometimes it happens at conception, for me it happens about a month after they’re born.  My heart opens up and suddenly I’m ruined for another person.  Not much else matters anymore, only that my child is safe and healthy.

I almost think the love of a mother is the most powerful love in the world.  It really is.  Of course Daddies love their kids as much as they can

but there’s something about a mother.  When something comes from you.  When you sacrifice so much of your body, go through the worst pain and then realize that you’d do it again a million times for that person.  It’s so powerful.  Nothing can stop it.

When a mother sees her child in pain, she feels the pain more.  When she finds out that her little bundle of joy, her entire world, is going to have a hard life because of health reasons…she dies a little.

When I found out that Silas could die from something most of you eat on a daily basis (peanuts) I was face down on my kitchen floor, wailing.  Nothing had ever hurt me more.  I didn’t have the same reaction to the autism because, like I said before, it’s not going to kill him.  Alive is all I need him to be.

But this news of autism, it still killed me.  I told Brent last night that I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel completely happy again.  Perhaps over dramatic but that’s how I feel.  Even now, as I write this, the screen is completely blurred through tears.  I just haven’t been able to stop crying.  I’m starting to have nightmares every night, totally unrelated to Silas but so unlike me.

And it’s not even that bad.  I have so much respect for parents of children with special needs.  Oh the burden they carry.  I can’t imagine pain beyond how I feel yet it’s so out there.  I just hope God’s keeping his promise about not giving us more than we can handle.

I don’t know how to completely describe this feeling.  It’s like a light has gone off inside me and was replaced by a really big void.  I don’t know.  I feel stupid complaining about it, I just know there’s worse out there…so much worse.  I’m heartbroken, my mommy heart can’t help but feel sooooo sad.

That’s it, I’m just so so so so so so sad.  SO sad.  Just downright, indescribably sad.

7 comments

  1. Sweetie – comparing your pain to what could be worse or better isn’t necessary – what you are feeling now is real and it is how ‘You” feel about this new turn of events. I am crying too and I think that I have some sense of what you are feeling – because I feel pain for my baby, “YOU”, having to cope with an unexpected lifetime situation. You will hurt and cry – that is only an indication of how much you love being a mother. I think it will be important for you and Brent to have support and counselling as well.

    We love you all so very, very much.

  2. I positively believe God’s word as you stated above about not giving us more than we can handle. I find it hard to understand knowing the difficult situations some must bear, but I still believe God’s word. Many are praying and don’t hesitate to rely on your church prayer group to aid with spiritual and close moral support. We love all of you so much and think of you always.

  3. You know I’m not the type to tell you what life is about, or give advice, or convey religious sentiments. Just always be aware that even those you do not speak to or think about often do care for you and your family.
    Plucky: having or showing determined courage in the face of difficulties.
    UberPlucky: see above, multiply by 2.

  4. Know that I too am sad with you…and life will be brighter again…let yourself be joyful for any little thing.

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