I’m finding that I’m having trouble with something. I have a hard time feeling like my job (staying at home) is as worthy and of value as Brent’s who’s out there bringing home the bacon. I have guilt that I don’t make any money. I never thought I would ever feel this way and I find it odd that I do. I know if I went to work I wouldn’t make much more than what childcare costs so it would be pointless. I think I’m just feeling a bit guilty that my husband works so terribly hard while I’m sitting in-front of my computer writing a blog.
I have trouble with housework, I always have. Within my family I’m known as the “messy sister”. I used to feel worse about myself about it until I found out that I have adult ADD so it’s made me feel slightly better about it. I never want to use it as an excuse. I’d rather be able to say “look what I can do even though I have ADD” rather than “I can’t do this because I have ADD”. It’s way harder for a person with ADD to accomplish an unfavorable task. It’s a total mental game that I’m not very good at. It’s frustrating to be constantly aware of it, embarrassed by it, guilty about it, etc. I do also have to remind myself that I am 6.25 months pregnant and I need to give myself a break. I miss being ADHD as a kid and teen because that energy was phenomenal, if only I had that now. It’s opposite now which is normal for a woman. Anyway, I’m not trying to find pity, I’m just expressing a struggle and hopefully someone else reading this has it too and can feel not so alone. I just need to feel like I’m doing enough, and I really don’t think I am.
Another thing that’s been hard lately is finding balance with our social lives. I sit at home all day and when Brent comes home I just want all of his attention, I’ve been lonely all day. Brent is finding that he has absolutely NO time for himself and needs to get away (understandably) and then I’m left home with a child feeling lonely again. Dangit this is hard work!! We’ve found it’s just better for Brent to get out for a while then to try and stay home even though he needs some time away, otherwise he’s just grumpy and I don’t like him anyway. Ha ha. Lately he’s been working 6 days a week for about 10-11 hours a day. Then this Sunday I’ll have to be at church early so no morning together and then he’s got band practice at night. Man, how do you ever see each other? I do know that it’s important for him to get away, I don’t try to stop him. I need to get away more than I do as well. I think that by doing more activities during the day I would feel a lot less lonely during the week and not need Brent so much for being social.
I never thought these problems would arise with being a stay at home mommy, but they sure have. Perhaps I should go clean my kitchen so I feel a bit better about myself…but I don’t wanna! Good thing Silas has a play-date and I HAVE to do it or I’ll be embarrassed!
**little update on Silas’ ear infection, we went to the doc today for a follow-up and he said his ears are clear and healthy-looking.**
Here’s my tummy today at almost 25 weeks…like my sweater? Mommy in law bought it for me!!