Finding Worth

I’m finding that I’m having trouble with something. I have a hard time feeling like my job (staying at home) is as worthy and of value as Brent’s who’s out there bringing home the bacon. I have guilt that I don’t make any money. I never thought I would ever feel this way and I find it odd that I do. I know if I went to work I wouldn’t make much more than what childcare costs so it would be pointless. I think I’m just feeling a bit guilty that my husband works so terribly hard while I’m sitting in-front of my computer writing a blog.

I have trouble with housework, I always have. Within my family I’m known as the “messy sister”. I used to feel worse about myself about it until I found out that I have adult ADD so it’s made me feel slightly better about it. I never want to use it as an excuse. I’d rather be able to say “look what I can do even though I have ADD” rather than “I can’t do this because I have ADD”. It’s way harder for a person with ADD to accomplish an unfavorable task. It’s a total mental game that I’m not very good at. It’s frustrating to be constantly aware of it, embarrassed by it, guilty about it, etc. I do also have to remind myself that I am 6.25 months pregnant and I need to give myself a break. I miss being ADHD as a kid and teen because that energy was phenomenal, if only I had that now. It’s opposite now which is normal for a woman. Anyway, I’m not trying to find pity, I’m just expressing a struggle and hopefully someone else reading this has it too and can feel not so alone. I just need to feel like I’m doing enough, and I really don’t think I am.

Another thing that’s been hard lately is finding balance with our social lives. I sit at home all day and when Brent comes home I just want all of his attention, I’ve been lonely all day. Brent is finding that he has absolutely NO time for himself and needs to get away (understandably) and then I’m left home with a child feeling lonely again. Dangit this is hard work!! We’ve found it’s just better for Brent to get out for a while then to try and stay home even though he needs some time away, otherwise he’s just grumpy and I don’t like him anyway. Ha ha. Lately he’s been working 6 days a week for about 10-11 hours a day. Then this Sunday I’ll have to be at church early so no morning together and then he’s got band practice at night. Man, how do you ever see each other? I do know that it’s important for him to get away, I don’t try to stop him. I need to get away more than I do as well. I think that by doing more activities during the day I would feel a lot less lonely during the week and not need Brent so much for being social.

I never thought these problems would arise with being a stay at home mommy, but they sure have. Perhaps I should go clean my kitchen so I feel a bit better about myself…but I don’t wanna! Good thing Silas has a play-date and I HAVE to do it or I’ll be embarrassed!

**little update on Silas’ ear infection, we went to the doc today for a follow-up and he said his ears are clear and healthy-looking.**

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Here’s my tummy today at almost 25 weeks…like my sweater?  Mommy in law bought it for me!!

6 comments

  1. Feeling lonely is just a short period of time in motherhood. Eventually when the kids are more independent you will b able to get out and do more…atleast thats what i keep telling myself 🙂 I find it very lonely when Brad is not home, but i try my best to keep myself occupied. I just know that one day im going to look back and miss this part of my life. I guess the grass is alsways greener on the other side.

  2. I don’t think of you as the “messy sister.” I’m just as messy – I just have more space to spread out in. I think of you as the “little sister” – although your beeboos are bigger than mine 🙂

  3. I went through everything you did, except I have one 2 yr old and not pregnant with another. This weather makes it hard to get out, but maybe you can find indoor activities to get out and meet people. I know the libraries around here have programs for kids.

    YES, it’s VERY important for you to get out, too. I get out at least one night a week. It’s also very important to the quality of caregiving you are capable of giving. I found out that when I went out, I had a lot more tolerance for my son.

    I also felt guilty about staying home while my DH works, but you have to realize that what you are doing at home is raising your DH’s children. Nobody can replace you. Nobody. You are the cream of the crem when it comes to mothering your own kids…. AND it’s a full time job! When your DH comes home, do you get to relax? Or maybe HE needs to relax after a “hard” day. Your time has worth and value and you are dedicating it to your kids. Can’t say that enough.

    Alas, I also miss my hubby and there was a time when he got home and I, too, wanted his attention. He, also, needed to get away… and I let him. What helps me is that I am the type of person who really likes her time alone. I find that even though I complain about him getting home late, when he gets home early, sometimes I wish that he was still working. When he gets home, I go into wifey mode, instead of queen of my domain mode!

    I can relate to being the messy sister… I am that person, too!

  4. I read this earlier today and didn’t want to comment because I’m a dad, not a mom.

    But I came back to say this:

    After 23 years of marriage and 21 years of raising children I can tell you they will not remember whether the house was picked up. What they will remember and cherish are the times you played with them when they are young and loved them through the tough times when they were a little older.

    ADD may be your greatest asset as a mother–as strange as it may sound, the ability to play with your children with a short attention span may be a real bonus. I have ADD (again, I’m a dad, but I think it still applies) and it was a huge help with staying up with my boys.

    Another thing I would say is this: For a young woman you have a much better grasp of things than almost anyone I have met your age. Your attitude toward your husband and his needs as well as your own is unheard of in most people twice your age.

    To say I’m impressed is an understatement.

  5. Hey beautiful momma!
    Well, I understand what your going through, this is a huge issue for me and you know who aswell:)hahaha, You are an amazing mother to Silas and a wonderful friend! (ADD or not) HAHAHA
    I am gonna start dragging you out more often too and getting some good girl time with you!
    Mommys need mommy time!(and yummy food)hahaha
    (and walkies:))
    Love you!!!

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