Nine nipples?? What an awkward title hey? You’re probably wondering what the heck I’m talking about?? Read on and you’ll know.
Wow, it has been two years since my boobs have been leaking. They started the day before my first trimester was over with Silas and they haven’t stopped, not once. I went from an A cup at the beginning of my pregnancy and when my milk came in I was a DD!! I had soooo much milk. I’ve always wondered why I’m such I milk factory and why I’m leaking all over the place all the time. Well, I think I’ve figured it out. There’s something else very weird about me, I’ve put the two together and it makes sense. During my yearly physical my doctor was noting a mole in my armpit and I said “dr, I have a bunch of these, most showed up when I was pregnant and look, they’re symmetrical!” he gasped and said “do you know what these are?” and I jokingly said “nipples?” and HE SAID “YES”! They’re called superfluous nipples. I laughed soooo hard when he told me, I had eight stinking nipples, what could be more funny? He told me not to tell old people because back in the day people saw that as a sign that you were a witch. Are people from the burning at the stake period still alive? Anyway, he said that somewhere in the human DNA there’s the gene for all these nipples, he assured me that they don’t work and I could have them removed if I want. I went home feeling slightly freakish, I told people only to feel embarrassed about it right after. I still do that, I just say it and people get uncomfortable, I just can’t help myself, I kind of like making people uncomfortable…even if I have to feel that way too.
Part way through this 2nd pregnancy another nipple appeared. Now I have 9 nipples. I did some research and there’s nothing on the internet about people having more than one extra nipple, I have seven!! Needless to say, I’m contacting Guinness. It’s not over though, a few months ago I made the most unsettling discovery of all; my biggest and eldest superfluous nipple that resides in my armpit can lactate! I can squeeze milk out of that sucker! The doctor said they aren’t supposed to work but they do, this one works. I can nurse a small woodland creature with ease! Anyway, I figure I make so much milk because my body is thinking it has all these nipples to provide milk for! Apparently my body is ready for a litter, not just one human baby. Except dogs usually have 8 nipples, not 9 nipples.
To give you a visual of what these are like, I have one in each armpit, one on each breast (not including my normal ones) and then three on my tummy. I’ll try and find a photo to show you all. They just look like little moles, when I’m pregnant they get really dark though. I’m constantly aware of their symmetry and that perhaps someone will notice that I have an utter, or teats, or whatever. They’re actually starting to bother me. I’ll keep them though, especially if they make it into Guinness. Nothing would be cooler than that.
There, in this photo you can see mr. old and ugly in my armpit. That’s the extra nipple that lactates. You can see the other one on my tummy. There’s a faint one on the other side of my tummy too but it’s harder to see, the other one on my tummy isn’t in sight. Neato huh? I’m a freak!
Anyway, now that we know each other intimately (and I’m already feeling slightly uncomfortable about disclosing this) I’m going to go take a nap and pray for labor. My chiro tried to get the labor started today so perhaps it’ll happen. Perhaps I’ll try some tested and true nipple stimulation to get the oxytocin flowing, I wonder which ones to stimulate first? Can you beat me? Do you have more than 9 nipples?