Sleeping Babies

I often find myself in my kid’s rooms every night, staring at their faces, trying to kiss them and smell them as much as possible without waking them up. There’s nothing as adorable as a sleeping child so I try to somehow embed their image in my mind so I can remember it later.

The trouble is, that I do this every night, and every night they’re a little bit bigger. I need photographic memory so I can remember how they looked a few weeks ago, and a few months before that. Perhaps we need replica dolls that feel, smell and look the same. Perhaps you could push a button so they’d warm up to body temp. for a replica snuggle.

I remember when Silas was a baby, Brent and I would kneel at his crib and stare and stare and stare. How come they’re so lovely when they’re sleeping? Even though we did all that staring and trying to remember, I still don’t remember. Probably because we do it every night still and he’s just gradually changed. I do remember how he’d look, though, when I had rocked him to sleep.

You see, I kinda swaddled Silas for many many many months. I also rocked him to sleep for many many many months. I’d sit in my gross old rocker that I got for 5 bucks from a garage sale when I was like 15 and rock and rock and pat and pat and jiggle and he’d fall asleep and then I’d just stare and stare and stare and stare and smooch and smooch and smooch. I miss those times. Sometimes I’d just sit and stare for an hour. I can still see him all wrapped up in his home made swaddling blankets, face pressed hard into his smooshie (this fantastic blanket that they LOVE sleeping with….my MIL made them). I wish I could do that one more time.

Sometimes, when I’ve gotten my fill of their sleeping skin and sleeping smells and sleeping sounds, I pull myself away with dread in my heart. Saying goodbye to them for the night somehow feels vulnerable. Will I wake up to them again in the morning? Will Isaac wake up and look less like a baby? I’m always thrilled to find them just as I left them. Still small and adorable. Cheeks red from being pressed hard against their beds. They both grab their smooshies and come to my bed for a cuddle.

The day begins again with Isaac trying to get into the toilet while I brush my teeth and Silas asking to “hode hayands?” ( hold hands) as we make our way downstairs to start our day, counting the steps as we go. As annoying as it is, I’m grateful that I woke up and I still have them, as they are. Precious simply because they exist, perfect because they are mine.

new weight loss progress updates today.

8 comments

  1. I am so glad I am not the only parent who does this! Sometimes I think if I kiss their face enough, it will magically stay the same. Even though Gideon sleeps a foot away from me, I still have to put my hand out to touch him at night. Somehow, at night, it seems like they could just disappear if we close our eyes.

  2. Today when I rocked baby to sleep at nap time, I rocked and kissed him for a very long time, thinking the same thing. Crazy you wrote this today. Some days I’m so busy with stuff I need to do because all three babies are sleeping, I’m off and running too quickly. Then when I’m done early and he’s still sleeping I peek in and wish I were still holding him. I’m getting better about worrying less and holding him more. It’s not like it’s a hard decision to make. Washing dishes… rocking baby…

  3. i love this post. so sweet.
    we lay down with our kids almost every night because we figure one day – they may not want to be as close to us (the teenage years).

  4. What a beautiful post. It reminds me so much of how I mothered my (our) children. Looking in on our kids before going to bed was something that we did for many years – even up until the lower teens. Love, Gram

  5. I feel exactly the same way! You’ve obviously touched a common heartstring with mothers in this post. My husband and I always check in on our 20-month-old son before we go to bed. I sometimes ache at how big he looks in his crib now. I miss him when he’s sleeping, and I sometimes wish I could crawl right in there with him.

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