I get this feeling every night as I sneak into my children’s room and tuck them in while they sleep. I feel completely and totally vulnerable. For some reason seeing my sleeping children remind me of how delicate they are, how easily they could slip from my fingers. My hear suddenly fills with this feeling of despair as I feel a glimpse of what it would be like to ever lose them.
I stare at them and see how I’m so heartbreakingly in love with my children. It hurts to feel this way, it’s dangerous, it’s frightening, it’s awful and amazing all at the same time. I can hardly stand to leave them there. I just want to jump into bed with them and protect them from the night. I demand God to never take them away from me and search my heart for some feeling of promise from Him that it will never happen.
I remember feeling this way for my mom. She was the one person in my life who I loved the most. If she was out driving somewhere and wasn’t home on time I’d just sit there with my heart racing, praying to God to never take her away from me. When Brent became my biggest love I used to do the same thing. He didn’t have a cell phone so I’d wait in our empty basement suite for him to come home. My mother frequently got phone calls from me, sad and lonely as I waited for my husband to walk around the corner. Now the feeling has graduated to my children and it feels worse.
Last night Silas wasn’t sleeping so I went into his bed with him. I rubbed his back, arms and tummy all the while studying how each part of him felt. I listened to his giggle as I gave him butterfly kisses. I thought about how I feel so terribly vulnerable with my love for him. I tried to make sure that everything about him was etched into my mind. I absorbed every bit of him as I could and my heart filled with warmth as I enjoyed just being close to him, in the dark.
Soon Silas said “goodnight Mommy” as if to say “OK, you’re bothering me now, let me sleep” so I kissed him and said goodnight. He then proceeded to say goodnight to all the colors he could think of. I left smiling, brimming with love for my little darling.
This love I feel for my kids, in a way, goes against human nature. My mother gave and gave and my husband gives and takes. My kids just take and take and take. They’ve taken so much away from me and I just freely give it. I allow myself to love them even though they make me pull my hair out with frustration. There’s no one else in the world I’d do that for. No one else who could make my day with a single smile and a drooly kiss after they’ve been screaming and hitting and beating on their siblings. A single kiss and I’m starry-eyed.
Even what I have crappy days like I did yesterday I can still think upon all the love I have in my life and I can at least feel thankful.