I get this feeling every night as I sneak into my children’s room and tuck them in while they sleep. I feel completely and totally vulnerable. For some reason seeing my sleeping children remind me of how delicate they are, how easily they could slip from my fingers. My hear suddenly fills with this feeling of despair as I feel a glimpse of what it would be like to ever lose them.
I stare at them and see how I’m so heartbreakingly in love with my children. It hurts to feel this way, it’s dangerous, it’s frightening, it’s awful and amazing all at the same time. I can hardly stand to leave them there. I just want to jump into bed with them and protect them from the night. I demand God to never take them away from me and search my heart for some feeling of promise from Him that it will never happen.
I remember feeling this way for my mom. She was the one person in my life who I loved the most. If she was out driving somewhere and wasn’t home on time I’d just sit there with my heart racing, praying to God to never take her away from me. When Brent became my biggest love I used to do the same thing. He didn’t have a cell phone so I’d wait in our empty basement suite for him to come home. My mother frequently got phone calls from me, sad and lonely as I waited for my husband to walk around the corner. Now the feeling has graduated to my children and it feels worse.
Last night Silas wasn’t sleeping so I went into his bed with him. I rubbed his back, arms and tummy all the while studying how each part of him felt. I listened to his giggle as I gave him butterfly kisses. I thought about how I feel so terribly vulnerable with my love for him. I tried to make sure that everything about him was etched into my mind. I absorbed every bit of him as I could and my heart filled with warmth as I enjoyed just being close to him, in the dark.
Soon Silas said “goodnight Mommy” as if to say “OK, you’re bothering me now, let me sleep” so I kissed him and said goodnight. He then proceeded to say goodnight to all the colors he could think of. I left smiling, brimming with love for my little darling.
This love I feel for my kids, in a way, goes against human nature. My mother gave and gave and my husband gives and takes. My kids just take and take and take. They’ve taken so much away from me and I just freely give it. I allow myself to love them even though they make me pull my hair out with frustration. There’s no one else in the world I’d do that for. No one else who could make my day with a single smile and a drooly kiss after they’ve been screaming and hitting and beating on their siblings. A single kiss and I’m starry-eyed.
Even what I have crappy days like I did yesterday I can still think upon all the love I have in my life and I can at least feel thankful.
After reading today’s posting, I am sitting here
at the computer with tears running down my face.
Grandma’s have a soft heart. We are so proud of all of our grandchildren and great grandchildren.
Thank you for being good parents to our grand-
chidren. (I am still using kleenex to wipe tears.)
Love you lots.. Gram R.
I know that feeling well now with Ben and I almost dread feeling that with my new baby. It’s so wonderful and terrifying at the same time. I almost don’t know what to do with myself some days, and I tell Ben over and over again “don’t die.” Wow, what a gift and a curse to feel so deeply.
Ok I came here by way of peanut allergies and I found someone who looks at her baby the same way I do . Thanks for making me cry , really thanks ! Some days I wish for ever he would stay 8 months old and I could love and cuddle him forever , keep him safe, attend to his every whim…and then the horrifying reality is that someday I will have to give him away to the world. The thought breaks my heart a little. Maybe as mothers we should be excited at all our kids major accomplishments, and I am. The first time he rolled over, the first time he laughed uncontollably, first sweet mamamamama ‘s , first crawl. It sometimes feels like a big conspiracy to take them away from us though , doesn’t it ? Each of those pivital , joyous moments are just one more sign on the road flashing , big boy right around the corner. I think that they day he is embarassed of me or doesn’t want my kisses anymore I might just die , really die . I guess I had better get l the kisses and cuddles I can now , who knows how long I have until my arms aren’t his favorite place to anymore .
Thats a wonderful way of describing our love for our children.. you are really talented at writing…..
Thanks so much for your recent comment on my blog. I found this post of yours to be so sweet and fierce. After I had my boy, I was unprepared for the depth of my emotional attachment, and for a while truly thought that I was the only who had ever felt it so strongly. I felt so sorry for all the other 6 billion babies whose mommies couldn’t possibly love them as much as I love mine. After all, it feels like a mother’s love could solve all problems, so why do we have war? My logical post-partum brain said it must be because no one else loved their babies enough. That was a sad time, but I’m feeling much better now, and getting to know many other wonderful moms whose days are made by butterfly kisses and giggles. Women who forgive sleepless nights and gray hair and wrinkles and even fingernail scratches on their boobies. Thanks for your lovely words of baby love.
Dear The Informal Matriarch,
I found your blog while doing research on what makes relationships work and I am impressed with what you have to say. Your readers must be getting a lot from your contributions. Keep it up.
My name is Steve Martin and my wife and I run The Positive Way website (www.positive-way.com) as part of our contribution to helping marriages and other loving relationships thrive and prosper. We just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary and The Positive Way celebrated its 12th anniversary. The Positive Way website has over 200,000 words of free relationship and communication content that we have written for our readers.
I thought that you and your readers might be interested in helping us gather information on what really makes love work for the long term. We are running a contest – Love Assurance Contest to find out what other people think is important to assure that their loving relationships will last. The more entries the better as it is important to learn what really works.
The Love Assurance Contest link is http://www.positive-way.com/Contest.htm . It is free to enter and the top five winners will receive one of five copies of the hot new love story Atonement – on DVD to be released March 18th plus a copy of our book Talk to Me: How to Create Positive Loving Communication. The contest is open to age18+ residents of US and Canada (except PR and Quebec) and runs through April 30, 2008.
We’d appreciate a mention and link in your blog if you think it fits your mission. We’ll be happy to place a reciprocal link to your blog on the contest page if you would like. Just email me the URL to the page with contest mention on it and the home page URL of your blog that you want us to link to.
Thanks very much for your help and thanks for the contributions you make with your blog. Also please feel free to enter the contest. You write well and have good things to say so we’d like to hear from you.
The Positive Way