I Don’t Wanna Be a Mommy Today.

I hate mess but I can’t stop creating it, it’s driving me crazy.  My brain gets fuzzy and things are so off, when my world isn’t in order.  But I can never actually seem to create order.  Once I get everything back in place I forget to keep it that way.  I leave coffee cups and wrappers and dirty diapers and whatever else I take from it’s proper place around the house, once again.  You’d think that just cleaning up after myself is the solution but I must first remember to clean up after myself.  I must first create order in my brain to then be able to create order in my life.  I can’t wait to try that neurofeedback.  I’m so stoked.

This morning I was greeted with a disturbed child whom I do not know.  Screaming and yelling and grumping all over the place.  After reading The Nose Book and Hop On Pop a million times to this strange child, my own child appeared  and peace was somewhat restored.

I don’t feel like being a mommy today, I don’t feel like being anything today.  I want to sit on my computer and order a bunch of neato plants online with my birthday money that has been tucked away for far too long.  That’s what I want to do.  Then I want to go to Ikea and spend copious amounts of money on some furniture that I need and don’t have the money for.  Then I want to browse around some other shops like the amazing nursery down the street from me who has room upon room of plants.  Some of them worth hundreds of dollars but all of them covered in spider webs.  I made my way through that place yesterday but I was so overwhelmed by all the plants I wanted to fill my house with that I bought nothing. It was amazing in there.  Incredible.  Except for the freakishly large coy fish that wanted to eat me.  I got a little kid to stick his finger in the pond and it got him in trouble from his dad.  He he he.

Ah yes, right when I’m enjoying the luxury of my own dreamland, Isaac wakes after sleeping only fifteen minutes.  One more week of good nursing and that boy is getting sleep trained.  Cold turkey, cry it out, cold-hearted mommy style.  I’m tired of this.

3 comments

  1. Once a mommy always a mommy and that’s just the way it is….but it willnot always as you already know be the same. The grow up and away from your house …..and then you can do other things. Sometimes I briefly wish those times back. I love you Leah.

  2. i’m too tired to read this whole entry right now. it’s almost 4am but i just caught a glimpse the first paragraph and i’m right there with you! i had a breakdown today because my house is such a mess! dishes piled high, laundry and clothes everywhere. i turn off and i just become this zombie like person with no emotion when things are such a mess. anyhow, speaking of zombie like. time for bed but i will read the rest later. this is a reminder.. now it will show up in my dashboard. k. tah-tah.

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